Just Flowers Chapter 8

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April 20

Jen opened the kit, not exactly eager to get on with the test. She dropped the box and kicked it under her bed.
Wouldn't want anyone to see that.
She stood in the bathroom staring in the mirror. Is this really what I'm doing? Is this actually happening?
Jen exhaled heavily. "Better get this over with," she said.
She sat on the toilet and held the thing awkwardly between her legs as she peed, trying as best as she could to avoid her hand while still absorbing as much as was needed to provide accurate results.
She set the test on the counter, flushed the toilet and washed her hands.
How did I get into this?
"Connor," she scoffed, angry. She could barely believe what had happened while it was happening but looking back on it then, Jen realized everything he did hinted at it.
Something we'll both enjoy.
Fat chance.
"Asshole."
Jen left the room, unable to stand the smell of the test (somehow it had made the room reak; she had been able to pick out subtler smells as of late), and slumped to the floor.
I'm really in shit now.
"Jesus Christ, what if..."
College - forget college. There'll be no time. And parties. Better forget about those too. It's gonna be a long time until I go to a party again.
She was shocked by her realizations. It didn't seem like she could be living this, going through this. It was all a blur.
The impending news was the deciding factor for the rest of her life. There were other options, but she knew a girl, a few actually, who had gotten abortions. They just didn't look the same after.
Jen leaned against her bed listening to the ticking seconds hand move around the clock.
She closed her eyes.
Everything was better.
Everything was simpler in the black of her shut lids.
She was happy.
Nothing happened.
She was standing outside the diner pacing and instead of waiting, she left. She ran street after street, the wind in her hair, her body almost weightless. She was free. She was flying.
Nothing confined her to the earth. Her heart took control and she weaved in and out of the clouds.
Then she saw the car. It was rocking. She was screaming, but from inside. Then she was inside, staring up at Connor's greasy forehead and the old fabric on the roof of his car.
Her wrist was bent at an odd angle sending slivers of pain up and down her arm.
She could barely breathe; the weight of his body on her chest was too much to bear and she screamed.
Jen jolted her head up.
She was in her room
She was alone.
She was safe.
And crying.
Jen looked at the clock. Three minutes were up.
Time to face the music.
She found the box from under her bed and compared the instructions to the results. Blue. Shit.

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Lucas hit the gas and they drove.
"What were you doing outside my house?" Bryn asked.
"Nothing, I don't know. I guess I was waiting to see if you'd change your mind." He squinted at her. "Did you?"
"No."
"Why did you come back out then?"
"Because my family's falling apart." She pressed her fingers into her temples and massaged. She wanted the world to stop, just for a second, so she could wrap her mind around everything.
Lucas turned the corner and stopped under a lamp post.
"Why aren't we moving?"
"You obviously want something from me."
"I want a ride, now start driving," she said, her head still in her hands.
"No, you want something more."
"What could I possibly want from you?" Bryn looked up angry, ready to jump for the jugular.
"You want what Ellie and I have."
"You think I want lies and deceit and probably unsatisfying sex with a loser who can't even remember his girlfriend's name? Yeah, no thanks."
He sat brewing the comment. "Why are you so guarded."
"Screw you. You don't even know me."
"No, seriously. It can't only be because of Jen-"
"Shut your fucking mouth."
"-because you were always like this even when she was-"
"Connor!"
"Lucas. It's Lucas. Now who's the fucking hypocrite?" He started the car.
"I'm not a hypocrite because, for one thing, we," she said, pointing back and forth between the two of them, "are not dating. And second, I wasn't thinking about Connor."
"So he's just the first person that came to mind."
"Yes. No! Stop fucking with my brain Lucas! I don't need this bullshit."
"But you do need a ride."
"I can walk. Pull over."
"Bryn, I'm not letting you walk around alone at night."
"What d'you care if I'm mugged?"
Lucas shook his head. "I told you, Bryn. You're just not taking me seriously. What if this is it, huh? What if you and me are it and you are being irrational and we lose something that could be great?"
"You think I'm being irrational? You're talking about love when you're seventeen."
"How do you know it's not love?"
"How do you know it is? You don't have anything to compare it to, so how do you know?"
"The world isn't as bad as you want it to be. Yeah, shit happens, and it sucks, and things are gonna hurt, but how can you really learn to appreciate the good without having experienced the bad?"
Bryn made no reply.
"What if we don't do anything, and I find out later that it was love? What if I go my entire life comparing every girl I date to every other girl and find out that I loved you? What am I supposed to do then?" Lucas, out of breath, slowed down the car. His face was burning and he wanted more than anything to have her feel how he felt.
And Bryn could tell.
"You think this was supposed to happen?"
"What, Jen?" he asked.
"No. This. You and me in this car driving down this road having this conversation. Was it meant to be? Was it fate?"
"Well... yeah."
"Then what? Where is fate leading us? What do the cosmos say to do next?"
"Don't."
"No, come on. You obviously knew this was gonna happen so why do you look so surprised?"
"Bryn."
"No, you're right. We are meant to be, Lucas. Can't you feel it?" She grabbed the steering wheel and swerved it left. Lucas fought to avoid a parked car.
"What the hell are you doing?" he yelled.
"Oh, just what the stars tell me to do," she said, unbuckling.
"What are you doing?" he asked, quickly glancing at her every few seconds. Bryn knelt on the seat and leaned into him.
"Scared?"
"For my life right now? Yeah."
"Why are you still driving then?"
He stopped the car in the middle of the street. Bryn viciously ran her fingers through his hair, grabbing hold at the end and pulling. He let out a moan and she kissed him. Her whole body pumped with anger and adrenaline as they made out in the parked car. She was crying and filling more and more with rage - rage not only at Lucas, but Angelica and Ellie and Connor and Jen.
Oh god, Jen.
What is it about her that's driving me insane?
She felt like screaming but subdued it by digging her nails into Lucas' neck and back, and biting his lip.
He pushed her away, letting her hit the door and lie there looking so strange. Lucas wiped a beading stream of blood from his face. "What the hell?" he yelled.
Bryn sat back in the seat properly and fixed herself. She flattened her hair and clothes with shaking hands she had to concentrate to keep even that still.
"Take me to Will's."
Looking at her confusedly, Lucas started the car. The headlights lit up on the road and moved along the pavement as they drove.
When they got to the Currant's home, he tried to say something touching Bryn's hand. She pulled away and got out, but before slamming the door, hissed, "Don't talk to me ever. Don't look at me. Don't think about me. For all I know, you don't exist."
The car moved slowly away and she stood in front of the house until she was sure he had actually gone.
Bryn turned to the building in front of her: her last chance for shelter. She was hit hard with such intense nostalgia that she doubled over in fear of throwing up. When she regained her composure, she walked over the lawn to the back of the house.
Will's light was on. She had to find a way to get his attention without attracting that of his father. There were no rocks around, only stones and she decided against throwing one.
"Will," she whispered hoarsely.
Why did I think that would work?
She took off her shoe and without thinking ahead at all, threw it into the air with both hands. It stopped mid air under his windowsill for a moment then dropped back down to her. Bryn repeated this feat a couple more times and finally the window opened.
"Bryn?" Will asked, leaning out into the night.
"Hey!"
"What're you doing?"
"Can I come up? I kinda wanted to talk."
"Yeah, sure."
"Back door then?"
"Okay."
They met at the door and both stood staring at the other through the glass for a moment. Right then she was so happy and so sad.
Will unlocked and opened the door. "You could've just knocked."
"I don't want your dad to know I'm here. He might call my mom."
"Oh, he's not here. He went somewhere with the woman who's screwing him over. He said he wouldn't be back tonight. Wait, why would he call your mom?"
"That's kind of why I wanted to talk."
"Oh, okay. Do you want to go to the living room or-"
"Your room." Bryn looked at him innocently. "In case I fall asleep. I might need a place to crash."
They went up the stairs. Bryn laid down on Will's bed, fingers interlocking behind her head while Will laid across her feet.
"What happened with your mom?" he asked staring at the ceiling.
"I don't even remember."
"Ah. Anger blackout."
Bryn laughed. "I don't know, she's just so... I don't even think there's a word for it."
"Preaching to the choir, babe, preaching to the choir."
"I said I told you so."
"Bad move," Will winced.
"I know. Just lately, she's been getting on my nerves even more than she used to. I guess I don't really want to talk about it after all."
"That's okay. We can just hang out, talk about whatever."
Bryn sat up and brushed the hair out of Will's eyes. "Do you believe in fate?"
Will scrunched his face, thinking then said, "No, not really. Why?"
"Just wondering."
"You don't just wonder something so deep," he joked.
"I don't really know. I guess I wanted a little insight. What about young love? Do you think it's real or just something that happens in the movies?"
"That one's harder."
"How so?"
"Well it's hard to define love. I love a lot of things."
"I mean for people not for things, doofus."
"Maybe. I guess I do. But I've never been in love before , or at least not that I know of."
"Hmmm." Bryn laid back down and Will moved parallel to her.
Taking her hand, he said, "You're really pretty, you know?"
Bryn blushed, trying to hide a smile.
"What a line," she laughed.
He laughed along with her, then added, "No really. I always thought so."
They kissed.
Will's hands moved up to the strap of her tank top and under the shirt, holding her back. She could feel him touching the hooks of her bra and she bolted upright. She held the side of her face closest to Will to cover her embarrassment.
"Wait."
"Sorry. I got carried-"
"No. It's... I just need... I have to use the bathroom."
Will smiled at her. "You sure know how to kill a mood."
She turned to him, stuck her tongue out and headed to the bathroom.
Bryn closed the door and leaned against the counter. She only had a little while to figure out what she was going to do.
This was the first time the chance to lose her virginity presented itself and with every passing second, the window of opportunity closed.
Pros: no more wondering what it will be like, experience, not losing it when I'm in my twenties like an ugly/fat/weird girl.
Cons: can't call friends sluts for having done it before me. That was our thing, me and Jen. We were the virgins, the good girls.
That was it. She could see no cons for going through with it. Will's a nice guy. He would call the next day. He would be gentle and understanding and the perfect guy to remember.
"Alright. I'll do it," she said, unaware of just how big a decision she made. "Oh, I guess I better flush," she added, whispering to herself, "so I don't look like one of those people."
She leaned over the toilet and just as her hand touched the flusher, she looked down behind the toilet. Something blue caught her eye.
Normally she would be dead set against touching other people's garbage, especially that which came from a bathroom and was sitting behind a toilet, but curiosity is a funny thing. She picked it up by the corner with fingers like tweezers and looked at it.
"Holy shit."
A pregnancy test.
"Holy shit. Holy shit."
Bryn dropped the box, shaking her head, then washed her hands. Nothing, she thought, nothing at all.
Will knocked on the door. "Hey, you okay?"
Nothing. No. If she was-
"Yeah, just washing-"
-pregnant she would-
"-my hands. Sorry-"
-have said something to-
"I couldn't find the toilet paper."
-me at least. I'm her-
"Oh that's okay," Will said, "I was having fun alone."
-best friend. I thought so anyways.
Bryn shook her body and head, calmed herself down and opened the door.
"Now that I think about it, I sounded a bit pervy." Will laughed. "I wasn't really having fun alone." He noticed her expression. "Something wrong?"
She looked at him and the world seemed to stop. She exhaled and everything changed, things were better. "I'm actually good. I'm feeling really good."
"Super."
"Weren't we in the middle of something?"
Will raised his eyebrows. "Really? 'Cause I don't want to pressure-"
"Will, I wouldn't say I wanted to if i didn't want to."
He smiled. "Good. I was hoping you would say that. Now close your eyes."
"Shouldn't we be in your room?"
"Just do it."
Bryn closed her eyes and bit her lip, knowing she was about to.