My password is twenty-two letters long. It gets annoying after a while when I want to sign in quickly and write a brief post and have to type forever to get my password in. Just jokes, I don't really mind it and if I did, I wouldn't be able to complain, seeing as I made the password to begin with.
So really, I have nothing to write.
I am done with the JF until I go home in a couple weeks. I should take some time off anyways as not seeing it for a while can help me be a little more objective when re-rewriting.
This weekend is a crucial one. If I have a secret drinking party with my friends, then I might fail all the tests I have next week. On the other hand, who cares?
Heh heh heh.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Hello, I'm Neurotic
That's my story everyone. I'm done the type up (I've decided this is a type up instead of a second draft) of the first draft. Once I print it all, I can start editing it and adding more stuff. I know I say this all every time, but I am just so effing excited! YAY I'm one step closer to my dream! Hooray!
Celebration: this weekend, party with my buds.
Will do.
Celebration: this weekend, party with my buds.
Will do.
Just Flowers Chapter 16 & 17
Chapter 16
Will finished his shower and walked out of the humid bathroom. Bryn avoided him, waiting in the doorway of her bedroom. Once she was sure he was gone, she could focus.
I'm gonna make him wish he never touched her. She wiped an arc of steam from the mirror and breathed slowly. This was it.
She undressed and showered, scrubbing her skin pink, cleansing herself of all inhibitions. What she was about to do was for Jen, but it would be dangerous. If everyone acted as she supposed they would, Bryn figured that all the pieces would fall just as she wanted them.
The primping began. She blow dried her hair, then curled it and pulled it back with bobby pins and an oversized hair clip. She put on eyeshadow that sparkled when she moved her eyes, and liner to make them look bigger. She finished with a sheer lip gloss and deemed herself pretty damn good looking.
As she entered the bedroom, she noticed Ellie getting ready too. She smoothed the material of her dress over her stomach and hips.
"Looks nice," Bryn said, smiling apologetically.
"I don't care what you think."
"Fine."
"You're still going with Connor, right? I don't want Lucas to feel sorry for you and ask you to dance."
"I told you I don't even like him."
"Again, lies."
"You must be pretty insecure with yourself."
"Screw you."
"No, I'm serious. If you can't believe your boyfriend isn't cheating on you, you've got issues." Bryn could see her sister's cheeks burn.
"You're hair looks like shit by the way," Ellie said, pushing past her as she stormed to the bathroom.
Bryn closed the door, dropped the towel and clothed herself in the dress she had been waiting to wear all year.
"Why am I wasting it on Connor? Why can't I be going with someone like... Will?"
"Knock, knock," Will said, pushing the door open to peek his head in. "Hey."
"Oh, hey."
"You look nice."
"Thanks."
"Beautiful actually."
"Okay, um, what did you want?"
"Oh, right. Well I'm heading out now, so I just came to say goodbye... again."
Bryn was drawn to him. "Will you be back for Christmas break?"
"Won't you be at college somewhere?"
"I'm coming home for Christmas."
"I dunno."
"Okay."
"I'll call."
"You don't have to."
"No, really." He pushed his hand into his jeans pocket and pulled out a slip of paper. "Got a pen?"
"Will, you don't have-"
"Can you just let me do this?" he snapped, taking the pencil she held in her hand. "Now, here's the number where I'll be staying. And the address. Call. Or write. Or don't. It's up to you now," he continued, softening his tone. "So.. I'll hear from you maybe. If not, I'll know you're happy somewhere."
He handed Bryn the paper and leaned in, kissing the corner of her mouth, then turned and walked away.
Bryn's instinct was to follow him, to kiss him like she meant it, because she knew she would mean it, but she remained where she was, knowing there were bigger things she had to do.
She heard the front door close and his car drive away. She went back to her room and sat on the bed, clutching Jen's notebook in her arms. She didn't notice her sister come in.
"What's with that fucking notebook anyways? Is it your diary?"
Bryn forgot the words as quickly as she heard them and continued to stare at nothing.
Ellie walked toward her. "Seriously. What's your problem."
"Leave me alone Ellie," she said, morose.
"Why should I do what you say? You didn't stop with Lucas-"
"I never did anything!" Bryn screamed, looking at her now enraged sister. "Lucas and I were never even within close enough distance of each other to kiss or anything else. Why don't you just believe me?"
"What about that night you and mom had that fight and you spent the night with Will? He said you kissed him then."
Damn.
"He's lying," Bryn answered automatically.
"I think you're lying."
"I can't believe we keep having this fight, Ellie. I mean, shit! I've said the same thing like a hundred times and you keep insisting I'm the one to blame."
"Gimme that then," Ellie said, nodding at the notebook
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because it's not yours."
"Or is it because it's your journal and you wrote about Lucas in there?"
"That's ridiculous." Bryn said, but before she could finish 'ridiculous,' Ellie had snatched it from her hands and jumped away.
"Fuck you Ellie, give it back!"
"After I find the point about you and Lucas." Ellie jumped and dodged to avoid her sister as she whipped each page out of the way of the next, looking for her boyfriend's name.
Bryn managed to get a hold of the book and held on tight. "Let go!" she yelled.
"You let go!"
"It's my fucking book!"
"Yeah, that you wrote-"
The sound of paper ripping froze the two girls and for a moment, nobody moved, reviewing what had happened. Ellie's face turned particularly nasty and she had three or four of the handwritten pages.
"Keep 'em," she said in the most horrid way possible, and tore the sheets in half and in half again.
Bryn watched, absolutely horrified as, like snowflakes, the pieces sprinkled to the ground. She dropped the book and punched her sister square in the nose, screaming, "That was Jen's book you fucking bitch!"
Ellie fell backwards, nose bleeding as Bryn dropped her offense and dove for the shreds of precious paper she'd kept sacred all this time.
Ellie was crying, and as their mother entered the room yelling ("What's going on?"), Ellie coughed up some blood that had dripped into the back of her throat.
"What the hell did you do?"
Bryn was in a daze. The others in the room became fuzzy and sounds became dull and as much as she felt like crying, she couldn't. She heaved, wanting to throw up, but fell forward onto the floor as her sister screamed about her nose being broken.
On the couch forty minutes later, Bryn woke up. Above her, she could see her mother, Connor and Lucas.
"She's awake, thank God," Angelica said, getting up.
"Too bad," Ellie replied from the kitchen, a face cloth damp with blood and water pressed to her nose.
"You can take that off your face, Ellie. Your nose stopped bleeding ten minutes ago."
"Do you think we can still go to the dance, Mrs. Halleson?" Lucas asked intrepidly, looking sharply from Ellie to Bryn.
"I don't know. I'm not sure either of my daughters really deserve to go." Angelica paced the length of the couch.
"We got all dressed up, Mom. It's not fair," Ellie whined.
Her mother cocked her head in thought. "What do you suppose I do, Ellie?"
"Make Bryn stay home. I didn't even do anything!"
"Liar," Bryn said, sitting up slowly. She pushed the heels of her palms into her temples. Her entire head pulsed.
"I don't care who started it. From what I saw, both of you deserve to be punished."
"But I have to go," Bryn said abruptly. Her mother looked at her. "I mean... this is the last big dance before I graduate."
"What about prom?" Ellie mumbled to herself.
"That's actually after prom, Ellie," Lucas chimed. The look she returned was red hot. He backed off.
Angelica tapped her foot. "I've decided to let you go-"
Everyone but Bryn cheered.
"But," Angelica continued, "you both have to be home by eleven. Tomorrow we can sort out the punishments for you two."
"Eleven?" Ellie asked. "How 'bout midnight?"
"How about ten thirty?"
"But the really good songs don't get played until after midnight."
"Ten."
"What? No!"
"You want to keep talking, you're gonna owe me time. Now go before I change my mind."
Ellie and Lucas left first, though she had to wash her face again to clean the blood off and redo her makeup. Bryn and Connor followed.
"So other than the sister beating and passing out, how was your day?" Connor asked, turning to her from time to time as they drove to the school
"Will left."
"I never really liked him. I mean, he never approved of me. Almost got Jen to break up with me once."
"Oh."
"Yeah. But that was a long time ago."
"I know."
The dance had started and the student parking was almost full. Lucas found a spot near the doors (by fluke of course, a girl was sick with food allergies and had to be rushed to the hospital and the people who took her left a vacant spot) and Connor parked in the place farthest from Lucas.\
Shit. I wonder if Lucas knows where we parked.
"Come on," Conner said, opening the door, holding out his hand. He pulled her arm and she cried out in pain. He immediately tended to her. "What, what's wrong?"
Bryn took her hand back and held it. "My hand. It's the one I... hit Ellie with. It still kinda hurts."
"Oh, sorry."
"Let's just get in there."
The gym was packed and the air was hot from everyone's constant breathing. Connor led her to the center of the dance floor and pulled her close, moving their bodies in sync with each other. Bryn held back a gag as his hand slipped down her back to the top of her bottom. She kept a close eye on the clock on the west facing wall and finally it came upon a quarter to nine.
They were slow dancing to a song Bryn hadn't heard of and she brought her lips in close to his ear and whispered, "Wanna get some air?"
Connor nodded and followed her out to the parking lot.
"Some party, huh?" he stated rather than asked.
"Do you have your car keys?"
Connor's eyes lit up, surprised. "Yeah."
"Let's go."
They sat down in the car, both staring forward, quietly, timidly. It was easy to pretend to seduce him with tons of bodies around her, even out in the open, but it was something about being closed in a car - the car - with him that made her shiver.
"Why were you and Ellie fighting anyways?"
"Some girl thing."
"What kind?" he persisted, taking the opportunity to show his sleuthlike abilities. He inched closer disguising it as readjusting himself.
"The kind where one is insanely jealous of the other."
"Oh-kay."
"Connor, there's something I've been wanting to ask you about, but I just never found the right time."
"Okay, shoot."
"Did you even love Jen at all?"
"Why do you ask?"
"I guess I just wanted to know."
"Because she was your best friend?"
"That... and also because she told me something before she died."
Connor tensed at her words but tried to remain aloof. "Like what?"
"She told me that you tried something with her. Is that true?"
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"You must know something."
"I can't honestly say that I do."
"I think you do," she said, looking at him knowingly.
He read her face clearly, but kept with his plea of innocence. "No, God no. I wouldn't do anything she didn't want. I loved her."
"But were you in love?"
"That's hard to say."
"Why so? I should think it would be easy to distinguish whether or not you were in love."
"I guess maybe then. You know how I feel about teenage love."
"But you said you love me."
"Yeah"
"Are you in love with me?"
"I think so."
"So you'll treat me like you did Jen?"
"What're you getting at?"
"If you were in love with her why did you hurt her?"
"Wha-what do you mean?" he asked, swallowing hard.
"You fucked her."
"Shut up."
"You raped her."
"Stop it."
"You got her pregnant and didn't think twice about it, didn't you?"
"No!"
"Didn't you?" she screamed.
"NO!"
"Liar!"
"Fine! You wanna know? I'll tell you. We did have sex but she wanted it too."
"Why was she crying? Why did she fight back?"
"How do you know?"
"That's what people do when they're being raped!"
"Stop fucking saying that!" Connor yelled, hitting his hands on the dash. He was falling right into her trap. But time was running out. It was almost already ten to nine and he hadn't attacked her yet. She needed something big.
"She killed herself because of you, you know."
"No she didn't."
"Yes she did. She took one pill for every minute she thought about killing herself when she was with you." Bryn's throat was dry and as she spoke, and every word stuck in it. She watched Connor brewing over the what she had just said, watched his grip tighten on the steering wheel. His jaw locked.
Bingo.
"It's true," she whispered, close to his ear, but as quickly as she had spoken, she was cut off. Connor held onto her throat with one hand and pushed her back into the seat. He switched hands so his right could undo his belt.
"You wanna fuckin' know what happened that night?"
Bryn gasped, clawing as best she could at his arm and face. She jerked violently back and forth as Connor grabbed a hold of her hand and bent the fingers back.
She reeled in pain and in falling to the side, hit Connor's uncovered eye.
I can't go through with this, not if it means being raped. I have to get out.
Bryn slid backwards to the door and fumbled to unlock it. Just as it seemed as if she had it, Connor grabbed her legs and pulled them around himself. He pushed her shoulders down and looked her in the face.
"She tried to fight back too, you were right."
He smacked his face into hers, kissing her hard. She moved her head back and forth but he held a suction on her mouth that she could not remove. Her first instinct was to spit.
Connor recoiled disgusted and sat up, then spit back in her face. He grabbed her wrists, moving her left hand to join the right and with his free hand, ripped the side of her dress open.
"Get off of me!" Bryn screamed, thrashing , noticing from the corner of her eye the clock which read 9:00. it relieved her, but as nobody came automatically to her rescue, she pursued her first effort to get the hell out of the car.
Connor slapped her, moving up high on his knees to do so. Saving the shock for later, Bryn acted in the moment. She brought her leg up quickly and slammed her foot as hard as she could between his legs.
As if having pressed a release button, Bryn's arms were free and she slid again to the door and pulled on the lock.
Connor's door jerked open and a set of hands reached in and pulled him out by his hair and an arm. Bryn got out of the car and peered over it as many things made their way into her vision.
First there was Ellie running down the parking lot, the bottom of her dress in her hands. She was yelling Lucas' name and looked confused as hell when she got to them.
The second was Lucas kicking something on the ground, and as she made her way around the car, she saw that the something was Connor. He was curled in the fetal position, still holding his groin.
Bryn caught her breath and held Lucas' shoulder to stop him.
"Bryn what the hell happened?" Ellie cried.
"Connor attacked me," she answered, pulling together the side of her dress.
Lucas shook his head and handed her his jacket. She put it on, watching him pacing angrily in front of them. Connor groaned from the ground.
"I'll kill him. I'll fucking kill him."
"No, Lucas. Calm down for a minute," Bryn said, again touching his shoulder.
"Don't tell me you love this clown!" he retorted.
"No. But he has to pay for it. He did this to Jen, but actually did it. I got lucky."
"Lucky? You were almost... No, I don't even want to think about this."
"Ellie, call the police," Bryn said, starting to shake. She felt her neck where Connor had held.
Ellie pulled out her cell and complied with her sister's request. Bryn moved close to Lucas and he hugged her.
"You were late, Lucas," she whispered, happy, safe.
"I couldn't get away from Ellie. Every time I went for punch or to the bathroom she thought I was sneaking out to see you."
"Thank you."
Lucas kissed her forehead and let her go. He stood over Connor.
"They'll be here soon," Ellie reported. She dialled a number and moved away from them to another car and talked for a minute or so.
Bryn wiped the spit from her face, as in the moment, she hadn't thought to.
Ellie appeared by her side and stuck the phone in her face. "It's mom."
Bryn took it. "Hey mom," she said, tearing up.
"Bryn, it's Will."
"Will?"
"Are you alright? He didn't touch you did he?"
"No. I managed to fight him off. Lucas got a few punches in too."
"I wish I was there to help you."
"It's okay."
"I love you."
"I love you too."
A patrol car pulled up and a policeman jumped out of the car.
"I have to go, the cops are here."
They disconnected.
The next morning, Bryn woke up to a far away conversation from the kitchen. Angelica, Ellie and Danny Currant were definitely there. The door squeaked open enough for a head to peek through. "Are you awake?" Ellie's voice cooed.
"Yeah." Bryn sat up, pushing the hair back from her face. Her sister came in and kneeled at her side.
"I'm sorry, Bryn."
"Don't be."
"No, I really am. I should've trusted you."
"I actually asked Lucas to meet me there."
"I know. He told me."
"You're not mad?"
"I should've realized before that no matter what guys come into my lief, you're here for good."
"You hate me don't you?"
"I did at first. But even though Lucas is a good guy, he isn't worth losing a sister over. Plus it's pretty hard to be mad at you after what happened."
"True."
"And sorry for ripping Jen's book. If I'd known, I wouldn't have been such a bitch."
"It's in the past."
Though Ellie smiled, Bryn could tell she had been crying.
"Are the cops here again?"
"Yeah," she answered sounding guilty. "They want to talk to you a little more about what happened."
"Okay."
"Ellie stood up and waled to the door. "I could tell them you need a little time to get changed," she offered.
"Thanks."
She opened the door and left it open for the next visitor as she left.
"Are you okay?" Will asked.
"You came back," she said, her heart beating fast.
"I know. Are you okay, though?"
"My throat hurts a little, but otherwise I'm fine."
"I'm so sorry for going. I was just really mad."
Bryn looked confusedly at him. "You didn't seem that mad."
"I didn't want to hurt you anymore than I have."
"You didn't hurt me that bad, Will. I'll be fine." She smiled.
"I have something for you." He looked through a backpack at the door. "I should've given it to you before, but I was just really upset. I didn't understand why it was addressed to you and not me." He stood and held a folded piece of paper out to her.
"What is it?"
"A suicide note."
She looked at him with weary eyes. "When did you find this?" Holding it in her hands, she saw the end to her struggle.
"When I was packing her things. It was in one of her drawers and I read it and couldn't understand why not me. Why it wasn't addressed to me."
Bryn unfolded it and read the few lines. She cried, taking in the words that Jen had wrote. She stood and wrapped her arms around Will.
"She's okay now," she whispered through her tears, and as the two of them stood in their embrace, dark clouds clapped together overhead and it rained.
Chapter 17
<|><|><|>
The last day Jen was alive was nothing like she thought it might be. All the times she had been asked "What would you do if you had one day to live?" she had given the typical answer.
"I would take a walk on the beach. I would watch the sunset. I would tell everyone I loved that I loved them."
Never once did she say, "I would go to school, then come home and watch TV." But that's what she did.
As the sunlight dimmed and night approached, Jen found herself in her bedroom staring at a bottle of pills.
One more day, she argued, to make a lasting impression. To tell off all the fuckers who got on my nerves.
"Nah, Bryn would know something's up and make an excuse to stay over."
Okay then, skip school tomorrow and do something exciting.
"There's nothing really to do."
Hitch hike to the city.
"I'm just finding a reason not to do this. But there are-"
She stopped talking and grabbed a sheet of paper and a pen. She started writing.
"Dear Bryn,
You've always been my friend but this was inevitable. For so long now I've wanted to tell you so many things, but I'm afraid of what you'd think of me. I thought that maybe you'd think I was weak or stupid, I don't know. I love you and I want you to know you were the reason I kept from doing this for so long. But now there is no way out and i can't be here anymore. Don't forget me, but life is meant for living, so keep living. Remember everything because when you hit this point, all you'll have is your memories. I really don't mean to hurt you, but in saving myself, there are casualties. There's not enough to anchor me anymore. Bye."
She read the last word and felt it too insignificant to use, too understated. It looked foreign and out of place.
Jen left it though, getting on with what she felt she had to do. Pouring the entire contents of the bottle into her hand, she looked at what was to take her to somewhere she could be happy. She took them one by one until her hand was empty, then laid down to bed, singing.
"If you fall will you get up
Stuck in a dream will you wake up
and if you fell in love would you hold onto it."
Will finished his shower and walked out of the humid bathroom. Bryn avoided him, waiting in the doorway of her bedroom. Once she was sure he was gone, she could focus.
I'm gonna make him wish he never touched her. She wiped an arc of steam from the mirror and breathed slowly. This was it.
She undressed and showered, scrubbing her skin pink, cleansing herself of all inhibitions. What she was about to do was for Jen, but it would be dangerous. If everyone acted as she supposed they would, Bryn figured that all the pieces would fall just as she wanted them.
The primping began. She blow dried her hair, then curled it and pulled it back with bobby pins and an oversized hair clip. She put on eyeshadow that sparkled when she moved her eyes, and liner to make them look bigger. She finished with a sheer lip gloss and deemed herself pretty damn good looking.
As she entered the bedroom, she noticed Ellie getting ready too. She smoothed the material of her dress over her stomach and hips.
"Looks nice," Bryn said, smiling apologetically.
"I don't care what you think."
"Fine."
"You're still going with Connor, right? I don't want Lucas to feel sorry for you and ask you to dance."
"I told you I don't even like him."
"Again, lies."
"You must be pretty insecure with yourself."
"Screw you."
"No, I'm serious. If you can't believe your boyfriend isn't cheating on you, you've got issues." Bryn could see her sister's cheeks burn.
"You're hair looks like shit by the way," Ellie said, pushing past her as she stormed to the bathroom.
Bryn closed the door, dropped the towel and clothed herself in the dress she had been waiting to wear all year.
"Why am I wasting it on Connor? Why can't I be going with someone like... Will?"
"Knock, knock," Will said, pushing the door open to peek his head in. "Hey."
"Oh, hey."
"You look nice."
"Thanks."
"Beautiful actually."
"Okay, um, what did you want?"
"Oh, right. Well I'm heading out now, so I just came to say goodbye... again."
Bryn was drawn to him. "Will you be back for Christmas break?"
"Won't you be at college somewhere?"
"I'm coming home for Christmas."
"I dunno."
"Okay."
"I'll call."
"You don't have to."
"No, really." He pushed his hand into his jeans pocket and pulled out a slip of paper. "Got a pen?"
"Will, you don't have-"
"Can you just let me do this?" he snapped, taking the pencil she held in her hand. "Now, here's the number where I'll be staying. And the address. Call. Or write. Or don't. It's up to you now," he continued, softening his tone. "So.. I'll hear from you maybe. If not, I'll know you're happy somewhere."
He handed Bryn the paper and leaned in, kissing the corner of her mouth, then turned and walked away.
Bryn's instinct was to follow him, to kiss him like she meant it, because she knew she would mean it, but she remained where she was, knowing there were bigger things she had to do.
She heard the front door close and his car drive away. She went back to her room and sat on the bed, clutching Jen's notebook in her arms. She didn't notice her sister come in.
"What's with that fucking notebook anyways? Is it your diary?"
Bryn forgot the words as quickly as she heard them and continued to stare at nothing.
Ellie walked toward her. "Seriously. What's your problem."
"Leave me alone Ellie," she said, morose.
"Why should I do what you say? You didn't stop with Lucas-"
"I never did anything!" Bryn screamed, looking at her now enraged sister. "Lucas and I were never even within close enough distance of each other to kiss or anything else. Why don't you just believe me?"
"What about that night you and mom had that fight and you spent the night with Will? He said you kissed him then."
Damn.
"He's lying," Bryn answered automatically.
"I think you're lying."
"I can't believe we keep having this fight, Ellie. I mean, shit! I've said the same thing like a hundred times and you keep insisting I'm the one to blame."
"Gimme that then," Ellie said, nodding at the notebook
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because it's not yours."
"Or is it because it's your journal and you wrote about Lucas in there?"
"That's ridiculous." Bryn said, but before she could finish 'ridiculous,' Ellie had snatched it from her hands and jumped away.
"Fuck you Ellie, give it back!"
"After I find the point about you and Lucas." Ellie jumped and dodged to avoid her sister as she whipped each page out of the way of the next, looking for her boyfriend's name.
Bryn managed to get a hold of the book and held on tight. "Let go!" she yelled.
"You let go!"
"It's my fucking book!"
"Yeah, that you wrote-"
The sound of paper ripping froze the two girls and for a moment, nobody moved, reviewing what had happened. Ellie's face turned particularly nasty and she had three or four of the handwritten pages.
"Keep 'em," she said in the most horrid way possible, and tore the sheets in half and in half again.
Bryn watched, absolutely horrified as, like snowflakes, the pieces sprinkled to the ground. She dropped the book and punched her sister square in the nose, screaming, "That was Jen's book you fucking bitch!"
Ellie fell backwards, nose bleeding as Bryn dropped her offense and dove for the shreds of precious paper she'd kept sacred all this time.
Ellie was crying, and as their mother entered the room yelling ("What's going on?"), Ellie coughed up some blood that had dripped into the back of her throat.
"What the hell did you do?"
Bryn was in a daze. The others in the room became fuzzy and sounds became dull and as much as she felt like crying, she couldn't. She heaved, wanting to throw up, but fell forward onto the floor as her sister screamed about her nose being broken.
On the couch forty minutes later, Bryn woke up. Above her, she could see her mother, Connor and Lucas.
"She's awake, thank God," Angelica said, getting up.
"Too bad," Ellie replied from the kitchen, a face cloth damp with blood and water pressed to her nose.
"You can take that off your face, Ellie. Your nose stopped bleeding ten minutes ago."
"Do you think we can still go to the dance, Mrs. Halleson?" Lucas asked intrepidly, looking sharply from Ellie to Bryn.
"I don't know. I'm not sure either of my daughters really deserve to go." Angelica paced the length of the couch.
"We got all dressed up, Mom. It's not fair," Ellie whined.
Her mother cocked her head in thought. "What do you suppose I do, Ellie?"
"Make Bryn stay home. I didn't even do anything!"
"Liar," Bryn said, sitting up slowly. She pushed the heels of her palms into her temples. Her entire head pulsed.
"I don't care who started it. From what I saw, both of you deserve to be punished."
"But I have to go," Bryn said abruptly. Her mother looked at her. "I mean... this is the last big dance before I graduate."
"What about prom?" Ellie mumbled to herself.
"That's actually after prom, Ellie," Lucas chimed. The look she returned was red hot. He backed off.
Angelica tapped her foot. "I've decided to let you go-"
Everyone but Bryn cheered.
"But," Angelica continued, "you both have to be home by eleven. Tomorrow we can sort out the punishments for you two."
"Eleven?" Ellie asked. "How 'bout midnight?"
"How about ten thirty?"
"But the really good songs don't get played until after midnight."
"Ten."
"What? No!"
"You want to keep talking, you're gonna owe me time. Now go before I change my mind."
Ellie and Lucas left first, though she had to wash her face again to clean the blood off and redo her makeup. Bryn and Connor followed.
"So other than the sister beating and passing out, how was your day?" Connor asked, turning to her from time to time as they drove to the school
"Will left."
"I never really liked him. I mean, he never approved of me. Almost got Jen to break up with me once."
"Oh."
"Yeah. But that was a long time ago."
"I know."
The dance had started and the student parking was almost full. Lucas found a spot near the doors (by fluke of course, a girl was sick with food allergies and had to be rushed to the hospital and the people who took her left a vacant spot) and Connor parked in the place farthest from Lucas.\
Shit. I wonder if Lucas knows where we parked.
"Come on," Conner said, opening the door, holding out his hand. He pulled her arm and she cried out in pain. He immediately tended to her. "What, what's wrong?"
Bryn took her hand back and held it. "My hand. It's the one I... hit Ellie with. It still kinda hurts."
"Oh, sorry."
"Let's just get in there."
The gym was packed and the air was hot from everyone's constant breathing. Connor led her to the center of the dance floor and pulled her close, moving their bodies in sync with each other. Bryn held back a gag as his hand slipped down her back to the top of her bottom. She kept a close eye on the clock on the west facing wall and finally it came upon a quarter to nine.
They were slow dancing to a song Bryn hadn't heard of and she brought her lips in close to his ear and whispered, "Wanna get some air?"
Connor nodded and followed her out to the parking lot.
"Some party, huh?" he stated rather than asked.
"Do you have your car keys?"
Connor's eyes lit up, surprised. "Yeah."
"Let's go."
They sat down in the car, both staring forward, quietly, timidly. It was easy to pretend to seduce him with tons of bodies around her, even out in the open, but it was something about being closed in a car - the car - with him that made her shiver.
"Why were you and Ellie fighting anyways?"
"Some girl thing."
"What kind?" he persisted, taking the opportunity to show his sleuthlike abilities. He inched closer disguising it as readjusting himself.
"The kind where one is insanely jealous of the other."
"Oh-kay."
"Connor, there's something I've been wanting to ask you about, but I just never found the right time."
"Okay, shoot."
"Did you even love Jen at all?"
"Why do you ask?"
"I guess I just wanted to know."
"Because she was your best friend?"
"That... and also because she told me something before she died."
Connor tensed at her words but tried to remain aloof. "Like what?"
"She told me that you tried something with her. Is that true?"
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"You must know something."
"I can't honestly say that I do."
"I think you do," she said, looking at him knowingly.
He read her face clearly, but kept with his plea of innocence. "No, God no. I wouldn't do anything she didn't want. I loved her."
"But were you in love?"
"That's hard to say."
"Why so? I should think it would be easy to distinguish whether or not you were in love."
"I guess maybe then. You know how I feel about teenage love."
"But you said you love me."
"Yeah"
"Are you in love with me?"
"I think so."
"So you'll treat me like you did Jen?"
"What're you getting at?"
"If you were in love with her why did you hurt her?"
"Wha-what do you mean?" he asked, swallowing hard.
"You fucked her."
"Shut up."
"You raped her."
"Stop it."
"You got her pregnant and didn't think twice about it, didn't you?"
"No!"
"Didn't you?" she screamed.
"NO!"
"Liar!"
"Fine! You wanna know? I'll tell you. We did have sex but she wanted it too."
"Why was she crying? Why did she fight back?"
"How do you know?"
"That's what people do when they're being raped!"
"Stop fucking saying that!" Connor yelled, hitting his hands on the dash. He was falling right into her trap. But time was running out. It was almost already ten to nine and he hadn't attacked her yet. She needed something big.
"She killed herself because of you, you know."
"No she didn't."
"Yes she did. She took one pill for every minute she thought about killing herself when she was with you." Bryn's throat was dry and as she spoke, and every word stuck in it. She watched Connor brewing over the what she had just said, watched his grip tighten on the steering wheel. His jaw locked.
Bingo.
"It's true," she whispered, close to his ear, but as quickly as she had spoken, she was cut off. Connor held onto her throat with one hand and pushed her back into the seat. He switched hands so his right could undo his belt.
"You wanna fuckin' know what happened that night?"
Bryn gasped, clawing as best she could at his arm and face. She jerked violently back and forth as Connor grabbed a hold of her hand and bent the fingers back.
She reeled in pain and in falling to the side, hit Connor's uncovered eye.
I can't go through with this, not if it means being raped. I have to get out.
Bryn slid backwards to the door and fumbled to unlock it. Just as it seemed as if she had it, Connor grabbed her legs and pulled them around himself. He pushed her shoulders down and looked her in the face.
"She tried to fight back too, you were right."
He smacked his face into hers, kissing her hard. She moved her head back and forth but he held a suction on her mouth that she could not remove. Her first instinct was to spit.
Connor recoiled disgusted and sat up, then spit back in her face. He grabbed her wrists, moving her left hand to join the right and with his free hand, ripped the side of her dress open.
"Get off of me!" Bryn screamed, thrashing , noticing from the corner of her eye the clock which read 9:00. it relieved her, but as nobody came automatically to her rescue, she pursued her first effort to get the hell out of the car.
Connor slapped her, moving up high on his knees to do so. Saving the shock for later, Bryn acted in the moment. She brought her leg up quickly and slammed her foot as hard as she could between his legs.
As if having pressed a release button, Bryn's arms were free and she slid again to the door and pulled on the lock.
Connor's door jerked open and a set of hands reached in and pulled him out by his hair and an arm. Bryn got out of the car and peered over it as many things made their way into her vision.
First there was Ellie running down the parking lot, the bottom of her dress in her hands. She was yelling Lucas' name and looked confused as hell when she got to them.
The second was Lucas kicking something on the ground, and as she made her way around the car, she saw that the something was Connor. He was curled in the fetal position, still holding his groin.
Bryn caught her breath and held Lucas' shoulder to stop him.
"Bryn what the hell happened?" Ellie cried.
"Connor attacked me," she answered, pulling together the side of her dress.
Lucas shook his head and handed her his jacket. She put it on, watching him pacing angrily in front of them. Connor groaned from the ground.
"I'll kill him. I'll fucking kill him."
"No, Lucas. Calm down for a minute," Bryn said, again touching his shoulder.
"Don't tell me you love this clown!" he retorted.
"No. But he has to pay for it. He did this to Jen, but actually did it. I got lucky."
"Lucky? You were almost... No, I don't even want to think about this."
"Ellie, call the police," Bryn said, starting to shake. She felt her neck where Connor had held.
Ellie pulled out her cell and complied with her sister's request. Bryn moved close to Lucas and he hugged her.
"You were late, Lucas," she whispered, happy, safe.
"I couldn't get away from Ellie. Every time I went for punch or to the bathroom she thought I was sneaking out to see you."
"Thank you."
Lucas kissed her forehead and let her go. He stood over Connor.
"They'll be here soon," Ellie reported. She dialled a number and moved away from them to another car and talked for a minute or so.
Bryn wiped the spit from her face, as in the moment, she hadn't thought to.
Ellie appeared by her side and stuck the phone in her face. "It's mom."
Bryn took it. "Hey mom," she said, tearing up.
"Bryn, it's Will."
"Will?"
"Are you alright? He didn't touch you did he?"
"No. I managed to fight him off. Lucas got a few punches in too."
"I wish I was there to help you."
"It's okay."
"I love you."
"I love you too."
A patrol car pulled up and a policeman jumped out of the car.
"I have to go, the cops are here."
They disconnected.
The next morning, Bryn woke up to a far away conversation from the kitchen. Angelica, Ellie and Danny Currant were definitely there. The door squeaked open enough for a head to peek through. "Are you awake?" Ellie's voice cooed.
"Yeah." Bryn sat up, pushing the hair back from her face. Her sister came in and kneeled at her side.
"I'm sorry, Bryn."
"Don't be."
"No, I really am. I should've trusted you."
"I actually asked Lucas to meet me there."
"I know. He told me."
"You're not mad?"
"I should've realized before that no matter what guys come into my lief, you're here for good."
"You hate me don't you?"
"I did at first. But even though Lucas is a good guy, he isn't worth losing a sister over. Plus it's pretty hard to be mad at you after what happened."
"True."
"And sorry for ripping Jen's book. If I'd known, I wouldn't have been such a bitch."
"It's in the past."
Though Ellie smiled, Bryn could tell she had been crying.
"Are the cops here again?"
"Yeah," she answered sounding guilty. "They want to talk to you a little more about what happened."
"Okay."
"Ellie stood up and waled to the door. "I could tell them you need a little time to get changed," she offered.
"Thanks."
She opened the door and left it open for the next visitor as she left.
"Are you okay?" Will asked.
"You came back," she said, her heart beating fast.
"I know. Are you okay, though?"
"My throat hurts a little, but otherwise I'm fine."
"I'm so sorry for going. I was just really mad."
Bryn looked confusedly at him. "You didn't seem that mad."
"I didn't want to hurt you anymore than I have."
"You didn't hurt me that bad, Will. I'll be fine." She smiled.
"I have something for you." He looked through a backpack at the door. "I should've given it to you before, but I was just really upset. I didn't understand why it was addressed to you and not me." He stood and held a folded piece of paper out to her.
"What is it?"
"A suicide note."
She looked at him with weary eyes. "When did you find this?" Holding it in her hands, she saw the end to her struggle.
"When I was packing her things. It was in one of her drawers and I read it and couldn't understand why not me. Why it wasn't addressed to me."
Bryn unfolded it and read the few lines. She cried, taking in the words that Jen had wrote. She stood and wrapped her arms around Will.
"She's okay now," she whispered through her tears, and as the two of them stood in their embrace, dark clouds clapped together overhead and it rained.
Chapter 17
<|><|><|>
The last day Jen was alive was nothing like she thought it might be. All the times she had been asked "What would you do if you had one day to live?" she had given the typical answer.
"I would take a walk on the beach. I would watch the sunset. I would tell everyone I loved that I loved them."
Never once did she say, "I would go to school, then come home and watch TV." But that's what she did.
As the sunlight dimmed and night approached, Jen found herself in her bedroom staring at a bottle of pills.
One more day, she argued, to make a lasting impression. To tell off all the fuckers who got on my nerves.
"Nah, Bryn would know something's up and make an excuse to stay over."
Okay then, skip school tomorrow and do something exciting.
"There's nothing really to do."
Hitch hike to the city.
"I'm just finding a reason not to do this. But there are-"
She stopped talking and grabbed a sheet of paper and a pen. She started writing.
"Dear Bryn,
You've always been my friend but this was inevitable. For so long now I've wanted to tell you so many things, but I'm afraid of what you'd think of me. I thought that maybe you'd think I was weak or stupid, I don't know. I love you and I want you to know you were the reason I kept from doing this for so long. But now there is no way out and i can't be here anymore. Don't forget me, but life is meant for living, so keep living. Remember everything because when you hit this point, all you'll have is your memories. I really don't mean to hurt you, but in saving myself, there are casualties. There's not enough to anchor me anymore. Bye."
She read the last word and felt it too insignificant to use, too understated. It looked foreign and out of place.
Jen left it though, getting on with what she felt she had to do. Pouring the entire contents of the bottle into her hand, she looked at what was to take her to somewhere she could be happy. She took them one by one until her hand was empty, then laid down to bed, singing.
"If you fall will you get up
Stuck in a dream will you wake up
and if you fell in love would you hold onto it."
Monday, February 26, 2007
And Now I've Travelled Across the Ocean
So I am very close to being done my novella type-up. I am figuring that there is still a lot left to do, including many new parts and merciless revision of what I have already written.
In other news, KC was sick today and I was alone most classes. It was actually okay. I got to show off my new fake lip ring which I'm passing off as a real one. For some reason I felt kind of safe. Maybe it's the ring and the hair. Who knows.
I can't wait until the weekend if I go home this weekend. I want to scare my mother. I wonder what she'll say. Probably be pissed. I know Laura'll be pretty mad since she's not allowed to have anything pierced until she turns eighteen (or for a year, I can't remember which).
The stupid cat Whitey is trying to get me to pet her, but I'm not going to. I hate you, Whitey, just so ya know. HATE. Dumb cat.
I'm feeling pretty good, considering yesterday my legs hurt so very much from walking around West Ed yesterday all day. I took two Tylenol and that helped with the pain (which wasn't really a hurting pain but a dull annoying pain) but I had to actually take them, which as we all remember is something I don't like doing since my major setback in the mental coping with my problems department. I think it is the outer coating (which tastes really weird by the way) that makes me sick, which would make sense seeing as I tasted it while knocking them back and barfing them up. It is one of those things that you don't forget, and I find it funny that I haven't forgotten the taste of the suicide pills.
In other news, KC was sick today and I was alone most classes. It was actually okay. I got to show off my new fake lip ring which I'm passing off as a real one. For some reason I felt kind of safe. Maybe it's the ring and the hair. Who knows.
I can't wait until the weekend if I go home this weekend. I want to scare my mother. I wonder what she'll say. Probably be pissed. I know Laura'll be pretty mad since she's not allowed to have anything pierced until she turns eighteen (or for a year, I can't remember which).
The stupid cat Whitey is trying to get me to pet her, but I'm not going to. I hate you, Whitey, just so ya know. HATE. Dumb cat.
I'm feeling pretty good, considering yesterday my legs hurt so very much from walking around West Ed yesterday all day. I took two Tylenol and that helped with the pain (which wasn't really a hurting pain but a dull annoying pain) but I had to actually take them, which as we all remember is something I don't like doing since my major setback in the mental coping with my problems department. I think it is the outer coating (which tastes really weird by the way) that makes me sick, which would make sense seeing as I tasted it while knocking them back and barfing them up. It is one of those things that you don't forget, and I find it funny that I haven't forgotten the taste of the suicide pills.
Just Flowers Chapter 15
Bryn finished reading and almost dropped the book from her hands.
"Jesus Christ," she whispered. "He raped her?"
She flipped back to reread and make certain she had come to the right understanding.
"Then he pushed me down and did it. I couldn't believe what was going on until it was too late to actually stop it. I want him to die so much. I think I might do it. I can't wait for him to try something like he said he would so I can fucking ruin him right there. FUCK!!!! I don't believe that I'm one of those girls. The dumb bitches who aren't smart enough to know when their boyfriend's a skeeze. Dammit! Fuck fuck fuck. I can't believe I fell for it, all "Oh I love you Jen, you're beautiful. Here's fucking necklace because I love you so much." It was all just a fucking excuse to stick his goddamn tongue down my throat. SHIT. I should've seen it all coming. God, why am I so STUPID?!!!"
Bryn put the book down and left for the bathroom. She was a bit nauseous and tears were making their way to freedom. She heaved a few times over the toilet, then actually threw up.
When she rose, here eyes were damp with tears and her ears were ringing. She flushed the toilet then splashed cold water onto her face.
"Asshole. Goddamn him!" she yelled.
Her mother's head peeked through the open door. "You okay?"
"Yeah, uh, I think I'm just a little sick."
"Do you think you'll be able to make it to the dance tomorrow?"
"Uh, I don't-" She stopped as a splinter of an idea lodged itself into her mind. "I'll probably be better by then."
"Good."
Bryn went back to her room to her closet and touched the silky dress she picked out to wear. She ran her hand down the fluted skirt and tried to figure out how her plan would work.
"We'd go. Yes. Definitely. Then he'd- yes. Probably anyways. And then- perfect. I'd catch him and then he wouldn't be able to deny anything. But I'm gonna need some help. Hmmm. But who?" She tapped her chin with her index finger as she thought. Once the person came to mind, she exclaimed, "Aha!" then laughed at herself for doing so. "Yeah. Everything's gonna work out just perfectly if I play it right."
Bryn imagined many scenarios, all ending with Connor's condemnation. She set the book aside on her desk, carefully as if it were to delicate to treat merely as a book, and got into bed. She laid there for a long time before being coaxed to sleep by two very heavy eyelids.
"It's all for you Jen," she murmured as she drifted off to dreamland.
The next morning, after a long night of tossing, turning and wondering whether or not to just get up and stay up, Bryn hit the snooze on her alarm clock and rolled back over for another ten minutes of sleep. When the dreaded sound made itself heard a second time, she got up for good and went to the bathroom to brush her teeth.
Angelica had been cooking downstairs, pancakes with bacon and the option for eggs the only way she knew how to make them: scrambled. Bryn took a few strips of bacon from the plate and pushed two slices of bread into the toaster. "Morning," she offered, leaning on the counter as she waited for her breakfast.
"I noticed Will's sleeping on the couch."
"He got kicked out."
"I know. His father called."
"Did you tell him Will was here?"
Angelica picked up the spatula and flipped a pancake. "Yes."
"Why?"
"What was I supposed to do, Bryn? Lie? I'm not a child. I have nothing to hide."
Her daughter exhaled loudly, picking her toast from the toaster and assembling a sandwich with the bacon. "You could've lied. Did you ever think that maybe he had a reason for leaving?"
"Fine. You win. I've given up fighting with you."
Bryn rolled her eyes and took a bite of her sandwich.
"Is this still about before, Mom, 'cause I already told you why I was mad. Now it just seems like you're trying to start a confrontation."
"If I am I don't mean to. I just want us to be like we were when your dad was alive."
"I don't know if that'll happen."
They were silent. Ellie came in. Making as much noise as she could without talking, she pulled a plate from the cupboard, slamming it on the counter, put three pancakes, a handful of bacon and a pile of eggs on it and took a fork from the cutlery drawer. She sat down at the table and shovelled the food in.
"Something wrong?" Bryn asked, watching her fold bacon and eggs into a pancake and eat it.
"It's your fault," Ellie answered, blowing chewed pancake and egg particles past her plate. "All your fault."
"How is this my fault?"
Ellie looked at her mother. Angelica raised her eyebrows and put her hands up as to say she knew nothing. Ellie jutted her head out asking her without actually asking her to leave. She picked up her coffee and left.
I'm alone with the beast.
"You," Ellie, whispered loudly, "made Lucas break up with me. He said I was too jealous. What does that even mean? I'm not even jealous. I'm pissed the hell off. But definitely not jealous."
Bryn sighed. "I didn't tell Lucas to do anything. If he broke up with you I had no part in it."
"Now I don't even get to go to the spring formal. I went on and on about it at school that I was the only person in grade eleven who was going and now I don't even get to go. Thanks a fuckin' lot." She picked up her plate and stomped to their room.
Bryn finished her breakfast trying and easily succeeding in leaving her sister's troubles out of her mind. There were things to be done.
She picked up the phone in the living room but before dialling, she held the receiver up to her ear and listened for a moment to the tone. It was comforting, somehow, and she breathed slowly as the words she was about to speak swam through her mind. She dialled the number.
"Hello?"
"Oh hi. Can I please speak to Lucas?"
"Hold on."
Bryn could hear the woman call her son from her end.
"Ellie?" he answered to anxiously.
"Uh, no. It's Bryn."
"Bryn? What, uh, what's up?"
"I wanted to talk to you. It's really important."
"Is this about Ellie, because she said she would say some things about me that weren't true."
"Not now. I have to tell you something. And ask you something too, I guess."
"Okay," he said cautiously.
"You're still going to the dance," she said, looking over her shoulder, suddenly paranoid.
"I don't think so, I mean after Ellie broke up with me I kinda feel crappy. I don't think a dance would help me out at all."
"What if I said I wanted to meet you there?"
She heard him hold his breath from the other side. "Why?"
"I know I don't deserve it, but I just... want a chance to... show you how I feel. I just want to meet you okay?"
"So you want to go with me?"
"Not exactly. I'm still kind of going with Connor. I just want to meet you there. There's a good reason, and I know you'd be happier if you did."
Lucas didn't answer.
"Hello?" she called into the phone.
"Yeah, sorry. I'm surprised, is all. I really don't get women."
"That's the beauty of it."
He laughed. "Okay, so we'll meet at the dance, but who am I going with?"
"That's another thing. I think you should get back with Ellie."
"What?"
"I know it sounds really strange, but I know it'll make her happy. And me. It'll make me happy too."
"But you just said-"
"Just trust me. Ellie's upstairs, so you can talk to her in a sec, but please, Lucas will you do this for me?"
He breathed, considering it and finally agreed.
"So meet me at Connor's car at nine sharp? And I just want you to know I was scared too. I still am."
She could hear Lucas' smile in his voice. "Good to know I'm not alone."
"I'll get Ellie."
Once the two had connected on the phone, Bryn let them have their privacy. She knew Ellie and knew Lucas' power of persuasion. He would go to the dance and Ellie would stop eating. All would be restored.
Sitting in the dark on the love seat adjacent to the couch where Will slept, Bryn felt her stomach jump to her throat.
What I'm about to do could either right a wrong... or fuck me up for the rest of my life.
As she was about to leave, Will stirred on the couch.
"Good morning," he said, wiping the sleep from his eyes.
"How'd you sleep?"
"Oh now all of the sudden you care about my well being," he teased.
"I could've shaved your eyebrows off while you slept but I chose not to. I think that shows incredible maturity."
"Who was that on the phone?"
"My... aunt."
"I thought I heard you say 'Lucas.'"
"You were listening?"
"You were talking loud."
"Why'd you ask then, weirdo?"
"I dunno. I just wanted you to admit that 'you were scared.'" Scared of what exactly?"
The death penalty when you go missing."
"And that's my cue to stop."
They looked at one another for a moment, then Will broke the quiet. "I should take a shower. I wanna be nice and clean before I get on the bus."
"Bus to where?"
"Calgary."
"You're going back already?"
"It's been a long time. Anyways, school's starting again eventually and I have to get a job and make some money."
"For?"
"Living. Eating. My dad's not paying for anything but tuition this year. Or until I talk to my mother at least. But that'll probably be a long time from now, so..."
"Hmmm."
"Right." He stood and started towards the bathroom.
"Will?"
"Yeah."
"I love you too."
"I know."
They smiled awkwardly then Bryn looked to the floor, her heart breaking. She moved to him, lip trembling, ready to cry, holding back as best she could.
"I just wanted you to know, you know. Before you go back and meet another girl and forget how you loved me."
"I won't forget."
"I was really disappointed when things didn't work out, Will, and now I know why."
"It's hard the first time and every other time after. You just have to-"
"No, it's not that. Well not all that. Just, whenever I look at you, it almost feels like I'm looking at a part of Jen. When you smile, it's like she's smiling and when you laugh it's like she's laughing too. I guess we were doomed from the start, huh, with a mentality like that. And when you said you weren't in love with me, I was broken-"
"Bryn," he sighed.
"No, let me finish. I need to say it. When you said it, I was broken, but I was relieved. I wanted so much for it to work out that I would have my piece of Jen. It's not the notebook or pictures that were enough. You were real. A tangible memory. I think I used you, Will, to try to evoke some memories to keep her alive. But I do love you. I loved the time we were with one another, and I love you."
"I really don't know what to say."
"Then let's just leave it with goodbye."
"Goodbye." He leaned in, and just as everything she had said hit her, Will kissed her cheek and lingered a moment.
She looked at him one more time. She would remember him, she knew. Forever and ever.
They parted, Will to the shower, Bryn to her room.
As she closed the door, Bryn could hear the rumbling pipes as water started through them to the shower head. She sat on her bed, both full and empty, happy and sad.
<|><|><|>
May 15
Connor had just called and Jen had answered without checking the call display. The moment she heard his voice, she hung up.
Her heart was beating so fast she was afraid she might pass out. She pushed the hair out of her face and picked up the phone to call Bryn.
Angelica answered.
"Sorry Jen, Bryn's not here."
"Oh, okay."
"You know, we miss you around here. We hardly see you anymore."
"I know. It sucks."
Pause.
"Well, I'll tell Bryn you called."
"Thank you."
"See you then. Maybe you and your dad would like to come over for dinner sometime this week?"
"I'll bring it up."
"Goodbye."
Jen twisted her face in the mirror and tapped the phone against her knee.
"Cellphone, maybe," she said. She dialled.
One ring. Two. Three. Voice mail.
"Where the hell are you Bryn?" Jen asked the room, dropping the phone back in its spot. She walked around her room, then on a whim, decided to take a walk.
Why does the world seem so happy when I'm so miserable?
She tightened her jacket around her body as a gust of wind blew in her direction.
Why do I even bother?
Jen touched her stomach and bit her lip nervously in response.
Up ahead, a teenage girl was walking in Jen's direction. Jen moved to the right side of the sidewalk, turning herself away. She felt the girl could see what happened; as if Connor had left a mark on her spirit that others could see.
She began to tear up.
"Jen?"
She looked up. "Oh, hey. I tried calling you but your mom said you were out."
Bryn scoffed. "I'm surprised she was oriented enough to know the phone was ringing."
"Sounded sober to me."
"Doubt it. Anyways... what did you call about?"
"Oh, I-" It was harder than she thought it would be to tell someone. It was a lot harder to tell her best friend.
"Sorry, but I'm just on my way home. I know I sound like such a bitch right now but I just have to be home near my bed. I fucking hate Chris."
"Okay." The disappointment in Jen's voice was masked by momentary relief.
"Did I tell you what the asshole said to me?"
"No."
"He said we need some space. As if he's gonna break up with me, right? Do you believe that bullshit?"
"No."
Bryn kept talking, having forgotten that she wanted to be at home. They walked the opposite way Jen had come and soon they were in front of her house.
"Do you have a minute?" Jen asked, interrupting. There was a tinge of urgency in her voice, undetected by her friend.
"I kinda feel like crap. I think I'm gonna go to bed."
Jen lowered her head and cleaned her finger nails with the teeth of the zipper on her jacket. "Okay."
"Well if it's really important, can you just tell me now? Quickly?"
"It's not the kind of thing that comes out quickly. It's kinda big."
"Well then tomorrow at school. Look, I gotta go. My head's killing me."
"Fine."
"Bye."
"Yeah."
Jen watched as Bryn walked away guiltless. Why did she want to leave so fast? What the hell can possibly be more important than her best friend? God, why does everything have to be so hard? If I would have just broken up with him when I wanted to, I wouldn't have this problem.
"Or this one," Jen said to herself, again touching the bump of her stomach that had lately become more noticeable.
She sighed.
"What am I going to do?"
<|><|><|>
"Jesus Christ," she whispered. "He raped her?"
She flipped back to reread and make certain she had come to the right understanding.
"Then he pushed me down and did it. I couldn't believe what was going on until it was too late to actually stop it. I want him to die so much. I think I might do it. I can't wait for him to try something like he said he would so I can fucking ruin him right there. FUCK!!!! I don't believe that I'm one of those girls. The dumb bitches who aren't smart enough to know when their boyfriend's a skeeze. Dammit! Fuck fuck fuck. I can't believe I fell for it, all "Oh I love you Jen, you're beautiful. Here's fucking necklace because I love you so much." It was all just a fucking excuse to stick his goddamn tongue down my throat. SHIT. I should've seen it all coming. God, why am I so STUPID?!!!"
Bryn put the book down and left for the bathroom. She was a bit nauseous and tears were making their way to freedom. She heaved a few times over the toilet, then actually threw up.
When she rose, here eyes were damp with tears and her ears were ringing. She flushed the toilet then splashed cold water onto her face.
"Asshole. Goddamn him!" she yelled.
Her mother's head peeked through the open door. "You okay?"
"Yeah, uh, I think I'm just a little sick."
"Do you think you'll be able to make it to the dance tomorrow?"
"Uh, I don't-" She stopped as a splinter of an idea lodged itself into her mind. "I'll probably be better by then."
"Good."
Bryn went back to her room to her closet and touched the silky dress she picked out to wear. She ran her hand down the fluted skirt and tried to figure out how her plan would work.
"We'd go. Yes. Definitely. Then he'd- yes. Probably anyways. And then- perfect. I'd catch him and then he wouldn't be able to deny anything. But I'm gonna need some help. Hmmm. But who?" She tapped her chin with her index finger as she thought. Once the person came to mind, she exclaimed, "Aha!" then laughed at herself for doing so. "Yeah. Everything's gonna work out just perfectly if I play it right."
Bryn imagined many scenarios, all ending with Connor's condemnation. She set the book aside on her desk, carefully as if it were to delicate to treat merely as a book, and got into bed. She laid there for a long time before being coaxed to sleep by two very heavy eyelids.
"It's all for you Jen," she murmured as she drifted off to dreamland.
The next morning, after a long night of tossing, turning and wondering whether or not to just get up and stay up, Bryn hit the snooze on her alarm clock and rolled back over for another ten minutes of sleep. When the dreaded sound made itself heard a second time, she got up for good and went to the bathroom to brush her teeth.
Angelica had been cooking downstairs, pancakes with bacon and the option for eggs the only way she knew how to make them: scrambled. Bryn took a few strips of bacon from the plate and pushed two slices of bread into the toaster. "Morning," she offered, leaning on the counter as she waited for her breakfast.
"I noticed Will's sleeping on the couch."
"He got kicked out."
"I know. His father called."
"Did you tell him Will was here?"
Angelica picked up the spatula and flipped a pancake. "Yes."
"Why?"
"What was I supposed to do, Bryn? Lie? I'm not a child. I have nothing to hide."
Her daughter exhaled loudly, picking her toast from the toaster and assembling a sandwich with the bacon. "You could've lied. Did you ever think that maybe he had a reason for leaving?"
"Fine. You win. I've given up fighting with you."
Bryn rolled her eyes and took a bite of her sandwich.
"Is this still about before, Mom, 'cause I already told you why I was mad. Now it just seems like you're trying to start a confrontation."
"If I am I don't mean to. I just want us to be like we were when your dad was alive."
"I don't know if that'll happen."
They were silent. Ellie came in. Making as much noise as she could without talking, she pulled a plate from the cupboard, slamming it on the counter, put three pancakes, a handful of bacon and a pile of eggs on it and took a fork from the cutlery drawer. She sat down at the table and shovelled the food in.
"Something wrong?" Bryn asked, watching her fold bacon and eggs into a pancake and eat it.
"It's your fault," Ellie answered, blowing chewed pancake and egg particles past her plate. "All your fault."
"How is this my fault?"
Ellie looked at her mother. Angelica raised her eyebrows and put her hands up as to say she knew nothing. Ellie jutted her head out asking her without actually asking her to leave. She picked up her coffee and left.
I'm alone with the beast.
"You," Ellie, whispered loudly, "made Lucas break up with me. He said I was too jealous. What does that even mean? I'm not even jealous. I'm pissed the hell off. But definitely not jealous."
Bryn sighed. "I didn't tell Lucas to do anything. If he broke up with you I had no part in it."
"Now I don't even get to go to the spring formal. I went on and on about it at school that I was the only person in grade eleven who was going and now I don't even get to go. Thanks a fuckin' lot." She picked up her plate and stomped to their room.
Bryn finished her breakfast trying and easily succeeding in leaving her sister's troubles out of her mind. There were things to be done.
She picked up the phone in the living room but before dialling, she held the receiver up to her ear and listened for a moment to the tone. It was comforting, somehow, and she breathed slowly as the words she was about to speak swam through her mind. She dialled the number.
"Hello?"
"Oh hi. Can I please speak to Lucas?"
"Hold on."
Bryn could hear the woman call her son from her end.
"Ellie?" he answered to anxiously.
"Uh, no. It's Bryn."
"Bryn? What, uh, what's up?"
"I wanted to talk to you. It's really important."
"Is this about Ellie, because she said she would say some things about me that weren't true."
"Not now. I have to tell you something. And ask you something too, I guess."
"Okay," he said cautiously.
"You're still going to the dance," she said, looking over her shoulder, suddenly paranoid.
"I don't think so, I mean after Ellie broke up with me I kinda feel crappy. I don't think a dance would help me out at all."
"What if I said I wanted to meet you there?"
She heard him hold his breath from the other side. "Why?"
"I know I don't deserve it, but I just... want a chance to... show you how I feel. I just want to meet you okay?"
"So you want to go with me?"
"Not exactly. I'm still kind of going with Connor. I just want to meet you there. There's a good reason, and I know you'd be happier if you did."
Lucas didn't answer.
"Hello?" she called into the phone.
"Yeah, sorry. I'm surprised, is all. I really don't get women."
"That's the beauty of it."
He laughed. "Okay, so we'll meet at the dance, but who am I going with?"
"That's another thing. I think you should get back with Ellie."
"What?"
"I know it sounds really strange, but I know it'll make her happy. And me. It'll make me happy too."
"But you just said-"
"Just trust me. Ellie's upstairs, so you can talk to her in a sec, but please, Lucas will you do this for me?"
He breathed, considering it and finally agreed.
"So meet me at Connor's car at nine sharp? And I just want you to know I was scared too. I still am."
She could hear Lucas' smile in his voice. "Good to know I'm not alone."
"I'll get Ellie."
Once the two had connected on the phone, Bryn let them have their privacy. She knew Ellie and knew Lucas' power of persuasion. He would go to the dance and Ellie would stop eating. All would be restored.
Sitting in the dark on the love seat adjacent to the couch where Will slept, Bryn felt her stomach jump to her throat.
What I'm about to do could either right a wrong... or fuck me up for the rest of my life.
As she was about to leave, Will stirred on the couch.
"Good morning," he said, wiping the sleep from his eyes.
"How'd you sleep?"
"Oh now all of the sudden you care about my well being," he teased.
"I could've shaved your eyebrows off while you slept but I chose not to. I think that shows incredible maturity."
"Who was that on the phone?"
"My... aunt."
"I thought I heard you say 'Lucas.'"
"You were listening?"
"You were talking loud."
"Why'd you ask then, weirdo?"
"I dunno. I just wanted you to admit that 'you were scared.'" Scared of what exactly?"
The death penalty when you go missing."
"And that's my cue to stop."
They looked at one another for a moment, then Will broke the quiet. "I should take a shower. I wanna be nice and clean before I get on the bus."
"Bus to where?"
"Calgary."
"You're going back already?"
"It's been a long time. Anyways, school's starting again eventually and I have to get a job and make some money."
"For?"
"Living. Eating. My dad's not paying for anything but tuition this year. Or until I talk to my mother at least. But that'll probably be a long time from now, so..."
"Hmmm."
"Right." He stood and started towards the bathroom.
"Will?"
"Yeah."
"I love you too."
"I know."
They smiled awkwardly then Bryn looked to the floor, her heart breaking. She moved to him, lip trembling, ready to cry, holding back as best she could.
"I just wanted you to know, you know. Before you go back and meet another girl and forget how you loved me."
"I won't forget."
"I was really disappointed when things didn't work out, Will, and now I know why."
"It's hard the first time and every other time after. You just have to-"
"No, it's not that. Well not all that. Just, whenever I look at you, it almost feels like I'm looking at a part of Jen. When you smile, it's like she's smiling and when you laugh it's like she's laughing too. I guess we were doomed from the start, huh, with a mentality like that. And when you said you weren't in love with me, I was broken-"
"Bryn," he sighed.
"No, let me finish. I need to say it. When you said it, I was broken, but I was relieved. I wanted so much for it to work out that I would have my piece of Jen. It's not the notebook or pictures that were enough. You were real. A tangible memory. I think I used you, Will, to try to evoke some memories to keep her alive. But I do love you. I loved the time we were with one another, and I love you."
"I really don't know what to say."
"Then let's just leave it with goodbye."
"Goodbye." He leaned in, and just as everything she had said hit her, Will kissed her cheek and lingered a moment.
She looked at him one more time. She would remember him, she knew. Forever and ever.
They parted, Will to the shower, Bryn to her room.
As she closed the door, Bryn could hear the rumbling pipes as water started through them to the shower head. She sat on her bed, both full and empty, happy and sad.
<|><|><|>
May 15
Connor had just called and Jen had answered without checking the call display. The moment she heard his voice, she hung up.
Her heart was beating so fast she was afraid she might pass out. She pushed the hair out of her face and picked up the phone to call Bryn.
Angelica answered.
"Sorry Jen, Bryn's not here."
"Oh, okay."
"You know, we miss you around here. We hardly see you anymore."
"I know. It sucks."
Pause.
"Well, I'll tell Bryn you called."
"Thank you."
"See you then. Maybe you and your dad would like to come over for dinner sometime this week?"
"I'll bring it up."
"Goodbye."
Jen twisted her face in the mirror and tapped the phone against her knee.
"Cellphone, maybe," she said. She dialled.
One ring. Two. Three. Voice mail.
"Where the hell are you Bryn?" Jen asked the room, dropping the phone back in its spot. She walked around her room, then on a whim, decided to take a walk.
Why does the world seem so happy when I'm so miserable?
She tightened her jacket around her body as a gust of wind blew in her direction.
Why do I even bother?
Jen touched her stomach and bit her lip nervously in response.
Up ahead, a teenage girl was walking in Jen's direction. Jen moved to the right side of the sidewalk, turning herself away. She felt the girl could see what happened; as if Connor had left a mark on her spirit that others could see.
She began to tear up.
"Jen?"
She looked up. "Oh, hey. I tried calling you but your mom said you were out."
Bryn scoffed. "I'm surprised she was oriented enough to know the phone was ringing."
"Sounded sober to me."
"Doubt it. Anyways... what did you call about?"
"Oh, I-" It was harder than she thought it would be to tell someone. It was a lot harder to tell her best friend.
"Sorry, but I'm just on my way home. I know I sound like such a bitch right now but I just have to be home near my bed. I fucking hate Chris."
"Okay." The disappointment in Jen's voice was masked by momentary relief.
"Did I tell you what the asshole said to me?"
"No."
"He said we need some space. As if he's gonna break up with me, right? Do you believe that bullshit?"
"No."
Bryn kept talking, having forgotten that she wanted to be at home. They walked the opposite way Jen had come and soon they were in front of her house.
"Do you have a minute?" Jen asked, interrupting. There was a tinge of urgency in her voice, undetected by her friend.
"I kinda feel like crap. I think I'm gonna go to bed."
Jen lowered her head and cleaned her finger nails with the teeth of the zipper on her jacket. "Okay."
"Well if it's really important, can you just tell me now? Quickly?"
"It's not the kind of thing that comes out quickly. It's kinda big."
"Well then tomorrow at school. Look, I gotta go. My head's killing me."
"Fine."
"Bye."
"Yeah."
Jen watched as Bryn walked away guiltless. Why did she want to leave so fast? What the hell can possibly be more important than her best friend? God, why does everything have to be so hard? If I would have just broken up with him when I wanted to, I wouldn't have this problem.
"Or this one," Jen said to herself, again touching the bump of her stomach that had lately become more noticeable.
She sighed.
"What am I going to do?"
<|><|><|>
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Just Flowers Chapter 14
<|><|><|>
March 13
"Where are we going Connor?" Jen asked, knowing the answer.
"I thought we could visit our place."
"I want you to take me home. I'm not feeling very good."
Connor turned to her. "Not everything is about you. Plus I have to show you something."
"I've already seen the flowers, Connor. Thank you for the necklace, I love it, but I really feel sick. Take me home."
"What's your problem?"
"I wanna fucking go home!" she yelled.
"Shit, Jen, calm down. I'll take you home in a minute."
Jen looked at him. She was exhausted. She was sick. Her fever had spiked, she could feel every part of her burn. The air was clammy and hard to breathe. Tears started to pool on the rims of her eyelids.
"Don't do that. You can't get out of everything by crying," he said, taking the keys from the ignition.
"Take me home," Jen whispered. She could feel something bad coming her way, but she was too far in now, too deep into it all to claw her way out.
Connor unbuckled and slid to put his arm around her.
"I thought we could park for a while."
"Does it make a difference to you at all that I feel like shit? Or do you just not care?"
"Come on, just for a little while."
"No, take me-"
Connor put his hand over her mouth and her heart began to race.
"Just let it happen," he said through gritted teeth, pushing her head to the window with one hand and unbuckling her with the other. he took his hand off her mouth and moved it over her body to her jeans and started unzipping them.
"Connor, don't," Jen said in disbelief.
She was crying now and Connor had unzipped her pants and pulled them to her ankles.
"Jen, just go with the flow," he replied, kneeling above her, undoing his own pants.
It occurred to her than she hadn't tried to physically stop him, so just as he put his hands on the elastic waistband of her panties, she grabbed his hand and sat up. Looking him square in the eye, she said, "Stop it now."
He made a disgusted face at this and pushed her so she hit the seat. Her heat banged the door and a blast of pain exploded from the back of her skull. Connor, now angry, ripped her panties down the side and slid into her as she cried out. Jen was frozen for a moment by shock, but then started making her plea for freedom.
She slapped his face a handful of times before he started to fight back. He punched her in the shoulder, making sure to keep clear of the face, but disregarded this self imposed rule when she scratched him. One closed hand fist to the jaw was enough for her to give up. Once she had quit defending herself, Connor continued to assault her.
Jen felt like vomiting. She was crying so hard now she thought she actually might. Her whole body shook and her heart rate was uneven. At one point near the end, she looked into her assailant's eyes and saw something in them she hadn't seen in a long time.
Connor was the one to look away first and it was all over as quickly as it had started. He got off her and left the car as Jen did her best to get a hold on the situation.
She pulled on her pants and sat up on the seat. Pulling the sun visor down, she looked at her reflection. She was dead. Her eyes were dead and her jaw was swollen.
Swallowing nervously as Connor came back in the car, Jen watched him. He started the engine and they were soon back in town.
"Why?" Jen asked after two or three failed attempts to speak.
Connor said nothing.
"I wanna know."
He was silent, staring forward.
"Why couldn't you just respect me Connor? Do I mean nothing to you?" she cried, fed up with his unwillingness to answer. "CONNOR!"
Jen pulled on the steering wheel, swerving them right and almost into a fire hydrant. Connor made a face as if he had sucked a lemon, but still refused to answer.
"FUCK!" she screamed, winding up and carrying through a punch to his jaw. He slammed the breaks, sending Jen's forehead to the window and his own to the steering whee.
Jen sat back, carefully touching the spot she hit. As she pulled her hand away, she noticed blood and immediately went for the door. Connor saw this and hit the lock button on his side and continued driving.
"I wanna get out here. Let me out," Jen said, thinking that she would like more than anything to hit him again.
"You can't."
"What he fuck do you know?"
"You could get hurt."
"I think you did a good job of that already. I'll be fine."
"No."
"Let me out."
"No! You asked me to drive you home and I'm going to."
"'Cause you always keep you promises right?" Jen mocked.
"Yes."
"Like when you said you respected my decisions to not fuck you?"
Connor looked away and turned down the street.
"You better not tell anyone."
"Good luck asshole. I'm telling my dad the second I get home, then after he kicks the shit outta you, I'm telling my brother and he'll kick whatever shit's left in you out again."
"You better fuckin' not."
"Why, scared?"
"You think they'll believe you? You honestly believe that anyone will think you didn't want it?"
"You think I wanted you to rape me?"
"Oh, I didn't rape you, darling. We made a consensual decision to lose out virginities to each other just like in the movies. And it was sweet and romantic and we went to the place I first said I love you and that's the story everyone will hear."
"That's shit."
"But that's what everyone will hear first. No one will think anything else happened."
"You asshole."
"Sticks and stones, baby."
"Was this the plan all along? To string me along until just before I dump your ass then hold me down and rape me for the fun of it? Or was it impulsive because you knew that next year I'd be moving forward with my life and you would be stuck as a bag-boy for Extra Foods."
"I never meant it," Connor said with a smirk on his face.
"Too late."
"No, when I said I loved you. I didn't mean it."
"I don't care. We're through anyways."
"I heard someone say you were easy so I figured I'd get an effortless lay then dump you."
Jen tried to hide that the words stung.
"But after two dates and nothing, I decided I'd wait. I could do with a few weeks of role playing if it meant that you'd put out. Then after a year, I thought about dumping you, then wondered if I could have my cake and eat it too. You know Kelly Braun? Fucked her. Lilly too. And Bryn."
"Liar."
"Don't believe me? Ask any one of 'em. They weren't as frigid as you."
"You're a goddamn liar!"
"Mmmm. Bryn was the best though. You could hear her moan for miles."
"Stop it!"
"The way she said my name, too. Oh god. The shit she let me do. Wild, that one."
"You're lying! Bryn would never fuck you!"
"She would. And she did. Again and again and again."
"Shut up shut up! You're too much of a pussy to even tell the truth! Why are you bringing her into it?"
"Here's where you get out," Connor said, unlocking the door.
Jen got out and just before she slammed the door, Connor leaned over and said, "Make sure to clean up that cut."
After the door closed, Jen ran to the front door and heard Connor yell something else, but let his words fall from her mind. All she wanted was a hot shower and to call Bryn.
More than anything, she needed a sense of normalcy. She needed something to show her that everything would be okay. Jen turned the door knob and entered the house, trying very hard to keep her composure.
<|><|><|>
March 13
"Where are we going Connor?" Jen asked, knowing the answer.
"I thought we could visit our place."
"I want you to take me home. I'm not feeling very good."
Connor turned to her. "Not everything is about you. Plus I have to show you something."
"I've already seen the flowers, Connor. Thank you for the necklace, I love it, but I really feel sick. Take me home."
"What's your problem?"
"I wanna fucking go home!" she yelled.
"Shit, Jen, calm down. I'll take you home in a minute."
Jen looked at him. She was exhausted. She was sick. Her fever had spiked, she could feel every part of her burn. The air was clammy and hard to breathe. Tears started to pool on the rims of her eyelids.
"Don't do that. You can't get out of everything by crying," he said, taking the keys from the ignition.
"Take me home," Jen whispered. She could feel something bad coming her way, but she was too far in now, too deep into it all to claw her way out.
Connor unbuckled and slid to put his arm around her.
"I thought we could park for a while."
"Does it make a difference to you at all that I feel like shit? Or do you just not care?"
"Come on, just for a little while."
"No, take me-"
Connor put his hand over her mouth and her heart began to race.
"Just let it happen," he said through gritted teeth, pushing her head to the window with one hand and unbuckling her with the other. he took his hand off her mouth and moved it over her body to her jeans and started unzipping them.
"Connor, don't," Jen said in disbelief.
She was crying now and Connor had unzipped her pants and pulled them to her ankles.
"Jen, just go with the flow," he replied, kneeling above her, undoing his own pants.
It occurred to her than she hadn't tried to physically stop him, so just as he put his hands on the elastic waistband of her panties, she grabbed his hand and sat up. Looking him square in the eye, she said, "Stop it now."
He made a disgusted face at this and pushed her so she hit the seat. Her heat banged the door and a blast of pain exploded from the back of her skull. Connor, now angry, ripped her panties down the side and slid into her as she cried out. Jen was frozen for a moment by shock, but then started making her plea for freedom.
She slapped his face a handful of times before he started to fight back. He punched her in the shoulder, making sure to keep clear of the face, but disregarded this self imposed rule when she scratched him. One closed hand fist to the jaw was enough for her to give up. Once she had quit defending herself, Connor continued to assault her.
Jen felt like vomiting. She was crying so hard now she thought she actually might. Her whole body shook and her heart rate was uneven. At one point near the end, she looked into her assailant's eyes and saw something in them she hadn't seen in a long time.
Connor was the one to look away first and it was all over as quickly as it had started. He got off her and left the car as Jen did her best to get a hold on the situation.
She pulled on her pants and sat up on the seat. Pulling the sun visor down, she looked at her reflection. She was dead. Her eyes were dead and her jaw was swollen.
Swallowing nervously as Connor came back in the car, Jen watched him. He started the engine and they were soon back in town.
"Why?" Jen asked after two or three failed attempts to speak.
Connor said nothing.
"I wanna know."
He was silent, staring forward.
"Why couldn't you just respect me Connor? Do I mean nothing to you?" she cried, fed up with his unwillingness to answer. "CONNOR!"
Jen pulled on the steering wheel, swerving them right and almost into a fire hydrant. Connor made a face as if he had sucked a lemon, but still refused to answer.
"FUCK!" she screamed, winding up and carrying through a punch to his jaw. He slammed the breaks, sending Jen's forehead to the window and his own to the steering whee.
Jen sat back, carefully touching the spot she hit. As she pulled her hand away, she noticed blood and immediately went for the door. Connor saw this and hit the lock button on his side and continued driving.
"I wanna get out here. Let me out," Jen said, thinking that she would like more than anything to hit him again.
"You can't."
"What he fuck do you know?"
"You could get hurt."
"I think you did a good job of that already. I'll be fine."
"No."
"Let me out."
"No! You asked me to drive you home and I'm going to."
"'Cause you always keep you promises right?" Jen mocked.
"Yes."
"Like when you said you respected my decisions to not fuck you?"
Connor looked away and turned down the street.
"You better not tell anyone."
"Good luck asshole. I'm telling my dad the second I get home, then after he kicks the shit outta you, I'm telling my brother and he'll kick whatever shit's left in you out again."
"You better fuckin' not."
"Why, scared?"
"You think they'll believe you? You honestly believe that anyone will think you didn't want it?"
"You think I wanted you to rape me?"
"Oh, I didn't rape you, darling. We made a consensual decision to lose out virginities to each other just like in the movies. And it was sweet and romantic and we went to the place I first said I love you and that's the story everyone will hear."
"That's shit."
"But that's what everyone will hear first. No one will think anything else happened."
"You asshole."
"Sticks and stones, baby."
"Was this the plan all along? To string me along until just before I dump your ass then hold me down and rape me for the fun of it? Or was it impulsive because you knew that next year I'd be moving forward with my life and you would be stuck as a bag-boy for Extra Foods."
"I never meant it," Connor said with a smirk on his face.
"Too late."
"No, when I said I loved you. I didn't mean it."
"I don't care. We're through anyways."
"I heard someone say you were easy so I figured I'd get an effortless lay then dump you."
Jen tried to hide that the words stung.
"But after two dates and nothing, I decided I'd wait. I could do with a few weeks of role playing if it meant that you'd put out. Then after a year, I thought about dumping you, then wondered if I could have my cake and eat it too. You know Kelly Braun? Fucked her. Lilly too. And Bryn."
"Liar."
"Don't believe me? Ask any one of 'em. They weren't as frigid as you."
"You're a goddamn liar!"
"Mmmm. Bryn was the best though. You could hear her moan for miles."
"Stop it!"
"The way she said my name, too. Oh god. The shit she let me do. Wild, that one."
"You're lying! Bryn would never fuck you!"
"She would. And she did. Again and again and again."
"Shut up shut up! You're too much of a pussy to even tell the truth! Why are you bringing her into it?"
"Here's where you get out," Connor said, unlocking the door.
Jen got out and just before she slammed the door, Connor leaned over and said, "Make sure to clean up that cut."
After the door closed, Jen ran to the front door and heard Connor yell something else, but let his words fall from her mind. All she wanted was a hot shower and to call Bryn.
More than anything, she needed a sense of normalcy. She needed something to show her that everything would be okay. Jen turned the door knob and entered the house, trying very hard to keep her composure.
<|><|><|>
Just Flowers Chapter 13
Once in her room, Bryn opened Jen's notebook to the last place she had read. It had been a week or so since she cracked its spine and laid her eyes upon all that was left of her friend. So much had been going on. She read over a few familiar sentences until she got to the right spot.
Ellie walked in. "What're you doing?" she asked disinterested. Bryn closed the book as if trying to hide the words.
"Nothing. Just reading I guess."
"Reading what?" Ellie moved closer, peering past her sister's eyes to the notebook.
"Some old school work. Kinda bored."
"I can see that."
"So how are you?"
"I'm a little disoriented, I think. Me and Lucas had a fight, but I guess you already know that."
"Why would I know?"
"Don't try to lie to me, Bryn. I know you and Lucas are fooling around behind my back."
"Are you serious? He said that?"
"Yeah. He also said you wanted to start things up again. He said once I found out it was over with you two. He said-"
"He's lying!"
"How can I trust you?"
"Lucas is in love with me, not the other way around."
Hate burned in Ellie's eyes, and she retorted, "Oh yeah, that's right. You have Connor and Will as your little call boys."
"You don't know anything, Ellie. You've got your facts all fucked."
"Who am I supposed to believe?"
"Your sister!"
"Why?"
"Maybe because I'm your sister. Maybe because you've known me longer and because I have no reason to lie to you."
"You're lying to me right now!"
"Ellie, fuck! Why are you questioning everything I'm saying?"
"Because you went behind my back and screwed around with my boyfriend then looked me in the eye and lied."
"I'm not lying!"
"Yes you are!"
"No I'm not!"
"Prove it."
"I don't even like Lucas!" Bryn screamed, angry and frustrated.
"He said you would say that."
"Seriously?"
"Yes seriously. I don't see why you have to have everything, Bryn. You have two other available guys biting at your feet for a chance to be with you and you still have to have what isn't yours."
"Bryn!" Angelica called from down the stairs. "Someone's at the door!"
Bryn hesitated. "All I can do is hope you believe me, and if you can't... then I guess you can't. I never touched Lucas," she said, leaving the room.When she was halfway down the stairs, Ellie slammed their bedroom door.
"I guess I'm not forgiven then."
She came upon the door and opened it slowly. "Will," she breathed, caught completely off guard.
"Hi," he replied avoiding her gaze.
"What d'you want?"
"I was wondering if I could crash here for a few days."
"Why?"
"I got kicked out."
Bryn looked at him, unable to hate him. "How come?"
"MY mom came back. Like for good. She's moving back in right now. I told her I didn't want to live in a house where she was and my dad hit me and threw me out."
"How is any of this my problem?"
"it's either I stay here or spend the night in my car."
"Looks like you've got a good hold of things so I better let you go." Bryn shut the door quickly.
Will rang the doorbell a few times then opened the door himself.
"Look, Bryn-"
"Get out of my house," Bryn said, pushing his shoulder and in turn, causing him to step back outside.
"Bryn I have no place to go."
"Why should I care?"
"I thought you loved me."
She blinked, confused. "When did I say... that?"
"You don't have to say the words to love someone."
"Well... do you... love... me?"
"Yeah."
"Even after everything that happened?"
"Not a whole lot can happen to make you stop loving someone."
"But you said you weren't ever in love before."
"I know."
"So are you in love now? With me?"
Will looked away, his expression determined to do all the talking.
"Okay. What does that mean if you love me but you're not - oh." Bryn sighed, disappointed.
"Bryn," Will said, taking her arms, I'm not gonna lie to you or tell you something I don't feel. I do love you, but I'm not... you know, in love."
"Great."
"I don't mean to hurt you, if that's what this is doing. I want to be honest."
"Was it that night?" Bryn asked, turning away from him. She covered half her face with her hand.
"Why would that make a difference?"
"You said you wanted to be honest. Was it when I told you to stop that changed things?"
He paused, looking around the room for an answer. "Maybe, a little."
"Wow."
"Look, Bryn, I've said I'm sorry and I told you the truth. I don't know what else I can do, but I just need to know if I can stay here. If not I have to find a place to park and I'd like to do that before the sun goes down."
Heavy hearted, she said, "Fine. You can have the couch."
Bryn walked back to her room and was surprised to find it empty. She shrugged, focusing her attention back on the notebook, and tried to forget what Will had said.
"I should have broken up with him sooner. There's just too much shit now for me to deal with. I'm being trapped in a box and slowly running out of air. I'm running out of time..."
Ellie walked in. "What're you doing?" she asked disinterested. Bryn closed the book as if trying to hide the words.
"Nothing. Just reading I guess."
"Reading what?" Ellie moved closer, peering past her sister's eyes to the notebook.
"Some old school work. Kinda bored."
"I can see that."
"So how are you?"
"I'm a little disoriented, I think. Me and Lucas had a fight, but I guess you already know that."
"Why would I know?"
"Don't try to lie to me, Bryn. I know you and Lucas are fooling around behind my back."
"Are you serious? He said that?"
"Yeah. He also said you wanted to start things up again. He said once I found out it was over with you two. He said-"
"He's lying!"
"How can I trust you?"
"Lucas is in love with me, not the other way around."
Hate burned in Ellie's eyes, and she retorted, "Oh yeah, that's right. You have Connor and Will as your little call boys."
"You don't know anything, Ellie. You've got your facts all fucked."
"Who am I supposed to believe?"
"Your sister!"
"Why?"
"Maybe because I'm your sister. Maybe because you've known me longer and because I have no reason to lie to you."
"You're lying to me right now!"
"Ellie, fuck! Why are you questioning everything I'm saying?"
"Because you went behind my back and screwed around with my boyfriend then looked me in the eye and lied."
"I'm not lying!"
"Yes you are!"
"No I'm not!"
"Prove it."
"I don't even like Lucas!" Bryn screamed, angry and frustrated.
"He said you would say that."
"Seriously?"
"Yes seriously. I don't see why you have to have everything, Bryn. You have two other available guys biting at your feet for a chance to be with you and you still have to have what isn't yours."
"Bryn!" Angelica called from down the stairs. "Someone's at the door!"
Bryn hesitated. "All I can do is hope you believe me, and if you can't... then I guess you can't. I never touched Lucas," she said, leaving the room.When she was halfway down the stairs, Ellie slammed their bedroom door.
"I guess I'm not forgiven then."
She came upon the door and opened it slowly. "Will," she breathed, caught completely off guard.
"Hi," he replied avoiding her gaze.
"What d'you want?"
"I was wondering if I could crash here for a few days."
"Why?"
"I got kicked out."
Bryn looked at him, unable to hate him. "How come?"
"MY mom came back. Like for good. She's moving back in right now. I told her I didn't want to live in a house where she was and my dad hit me and threw me out."
"How is any of this my problem?"
"it's either I stay here or spend the night in my car."
"Looks like you've got a good hold of things so I better let you go." Bryn shut the door quickly.
Will rang the doorbell a few times then opened the door himself.
"Look, Bryn-"
"Get out of my house," Bryn said, pushing his shoulder and in turn, causing him to step back outside.
"Bryn I have no place to go."
"Why should I care?"
"I thought you loved me."
She blinked, confused. "When did I say... that?"
"You don't have to say the words to love someone."
"Well... do you... love... me?"
"Yeah."
"Even after everything that happened?"
"Not a whole lot can happen to make you stop loving someone."
"But you said you weren't ever in love before."
"I know."
"So are you in love now? With me?"
Will looked away, his expression determined to do all the talking.
"Okay. What does that mean if you love me but you're not - oh." Bryn sighed, disappointed.
"Bryn," Will said, taking her arms, I'm not gonna lie to you or tell you something I don't feel. I do love you, but I'm not... you know, in love."
"Great."
"I don't mean to hurt you, if that's what this is doing. I want to be honest."
"Was it that night?" Bryn asked, turning away from him. She covered half her face with her hand.
"Why would that make a difference?"
"You said you wanted to be honest. Was it when I told you to stop that changed things?"
He paused, looking around the room for an answer. "Maybe, a little."
"Wow."
"Look, Bryn, I've said I'm sorry and I told you the truth. I don't know what else I can do, but I just need to know if I can stay here. If not I have to find a place to park and I'd like to do that before the sun goes down."
Heavy hearted, she said, "Fine. You can have the couch."
Bryn walked back to her room and was surprised to find it empty. She shrugged, focusing her attention back on the notebook, and tried to forget what Will had said.
"I should have broken up with him sooner. There's just too much shit now for me to deal with. I'm being trapped in a box and slowly running out of air. I'm running out of time..."
When Darkness Turns to Light, It Ends Tonight
So this weekend was fun.
Today I went to the city with KC and Janelle and KC's mom and sister. We found KC a dress. It was red and pretty.
I also got my lip pierced. Not for real though. I'm gonna see how long it is before anyone notices it is fake. I wonder what people at school will say. I'm sure I don't really care.
I finished chapter 13 and will post it after this one. Maybe if I feel like it I'll write chapter 14 too. Who knows? It's a mystery.
Today I went to the city with KC and Janelle and KC's mom and sister. We found KC a dress. It was red and pretty.
I also got my lip pierced. Not for real though. I'm gonna see how long it is before anyone notices it is fake. I wonder what people at school will say. I'm sure I don't really care.
I finished chapter 13 and will post it after this one. Maybe if I feel like it I'll write chapter 14 too. Who knows? It's a mystery.
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Your Hard Times are Ahead
Butterflies and hurricanes, thank you Muse.
So I just saw the length of my last two chapters and realized that they could have been combined to make a somewhat normal length chapter. Oh well. I only have five chapters left to write and I hope I'll be done by the end of the week.
It's funny, because I promised myself that I'd be done by my birthday and I'm only five little chapters away and it's not even the end of February. I want to do so much, but I don't think I'll be able to until I have it all typed out and printed out.
The trip to the city for tomorrow is on! KC's gonna get her dress and hopefully we can stop by a shoe store so I can get some shoes (and for KC's sake of course). I really have to start practicing walking in high heels or just kitten heels. I spent the first almost eighteen years of my life in runners and now it's time for me to learn.
Bad news: I have to get up at 7ish to get ready, meaning I can't stay up all night (not that I would, I only stayed up until 11 thirty last night, but I don't have the option).
I'm such a party animal.
So I just saw the length of my last two chapters and realized that they could have been combined to make a somewhat normal length chapter. Oh well. I only have five chapters left to write and I hope I'll be done by the end of the week.
It's funny, because I promised myself that I'd be done by my birthday and I'm only five little chapters away and it's not even the end of February. I want to do so much, but I don't think I'll be able to until I have it all typed out and printed out.
The trip to the city for tomorrow is on! KC's gonna get her dress and hopefully we can stop by a shoe store so I can get some shoes (and for KC's sake of course). I really have to start practicing walking in high heels or just kitten heels. I spent the first almost eighteen years of my life in runners and now it's time for me to learn.
Bad news: I have to get up at 7ish to get ready, meaning I can't stay up all night (not that I would, I only stayed up until 11 thirty last night, but I don't have the option).
I'm such a party animal.
Just Flowers Chapter 12
It was as good a time as any to go for a walk. The sun was still out and the air was clear. Bryn grabbed a jacket just in case and headed south down the block towards the edge of town.
"I know I should've waited. That's a given. Maybe not for marriage... definitely not, but for someone else," Bryn said to herself. "I don't even know what made me want to in the first place. He's mean, he's selfish and he obviously has an anger problem. I should've known."
She made a left at a stop sign and continued.
"Okay. If I go there and Connor's there, then I know I definitely made a mistake with Will. But if he's not... well I don't know. Maybe I'll give Will another shot. No. Maybe. No, definitely not. He yelled at me and almost hit me. And it's not like we'd be together forever or anything. Not now at least. But something that strong doesn't just happen over night, or does it? Did it?"
After walking until the sun had just begun to claim the horizon, Bryn came to a set of tire tracks embedded in the grass of a field. She didn't know if they were Connor's car's tracks or not (she really didn't pay that much attention) but thought they must be.
Who else knows about this place?
Bryn hiked up the small slope and pushed trees out of the way of her face as she came upon the clearing.
"Wow."
She had forgot how beautiful it was. Or maybe now it was more beautiful, for the trees had bloomed with all shades of purple lilacs and the grass had grown tall. The daisies seemed to have doubled in count, and as the wind blew, petals from the blossoms of the trees danced in the air and showered the sky with a scene more beautiful than anything she had seen.
Bryn took herself from the marvelous beauty of nature to see if Connor had driven up there. And sure as the sky is blue, he had.
The car was parked just under a tree and she could see Connor in the driver's seat. What she found strange was that he was talking. She moved in close so she could hear.
"I don't know what it is, but when I'm here, it feels like there's only this. Only this moment. No matter what, I'm content here. I'm just glad I could share this with you."
"That's so sweet," a little floozy cooed.
"That prick! He's using the line he fed me!" Bryn hissed to herself, outraged. She had half a mind to rip open the door and smack him.
"I'd really like to show you something," Connor said.
"What is it?" the girl asked, biting her nail. The door opened and Bryn jumped behind a tree.
"Come with me," he said, and as if he knew someone was there, Connor gave an all knowing glance in Bryn's direction. He then took the girl by the hand and led her down into the flowers.
Bryn, after checking very casually if they had gone, went up to and leaned against the car. An alarm started off and Bryn's ears were bombarded with a high pitched sound. She clapped her hands over them and ran back into the woods. When she got to the road she was sure someone called her name, but she ignored it.
"I don't believe it," she said, wrapping her arms around herself. "He brought another girl to our place? What the hell! How does that make any sense?"
She walked downtown then through the residential area for a while. The sun was down and the orange glow of the streetlights had taken over the road. She decided to get rid of the thing that no longer meant anything to her.
Bryn stopped by her house for a moment to pick up the pot of daisies she'd bought, then made her way to the memorial park. She looked at the cenotaph, reading the names of all the poor young men who died for their wives and mothers and children. She ran her fingers over the engraved letters and put the pot down in front of it all.
"I hope you were happier with him than I was," Bryn said to the stone. "I don't know if he was like this when you were dating, but I hope for your sake he wasn't. Oh, and Will. God, I don't know how you put up with him your whole life. I could barely stand him a month."
Bryn sighed and started home. Turning around once, she stared at the park. She wished she could remember where the sand box used to be, but that was so long ago.
"Maybe everything does have a purpose."
"I know I should've waited. That's a given. Maybe not for marriage... definitely not, but for someone else," Bryn said to herself. "I don't even know what made me want to in the first place. He's mean, he's selfish and he obviously has an anger problem. I should've known."
She made a left at a stop sign and continued.
"Okay. If I go there and Connor's there, then I know I definitely made a mistake with Will. But if he's not... well I don't know. Maybe I'll give Will another shot. No. Maybe. No, definitely not. He yelled at me and almost hit me. And it's not like we'd be together forever or anything. Not now at least. But something that strong doesn't just happen over night, or does it? Did it?"
After walking until the sun had just begun to claim the horizon, Bryn came to a set of tire tracks embedded in the grass of a field. She didn't know if they were Connor's car's tracks or not (she really didn't pay that much attention) but thought they must be.
Who else knows about this place?
Bryn hiked up the small slope and pushed trees out of the way of her face as she came upon the clearing.
"Wow."
She had forgot how beautiful it was. Or maybe now it was more beautiful, for the trees had bloomed with all shades of purple lilacs and the grass had grown tall. The daisies seemed to have doubled in count, and as the wind blew, petals from the blossoms of the trees danced in the air and showered the sky with a scene more beautiful than anything she had seen.
Bryn took herself from the marvelous beauty of nature to see if Connor had driven up there. And sure as the sky is blue, he had.
The car was parked just under a tree and she could see Connor in the driver's seat. What she found strange was that he was talking. She moved in close so she could hear.
"I don't know what it is, but when I'm here, it feels like there's only this. Only this moment. No matter what, I'm content here. I'm just glad I could share this with you."
"That's so sweet," a little floozy cooed.
"That prick! He's using the line he fed me!" Bryn hissed to herself, outraged. She had half a mind to rip open the door and smack him.
"I'd really like to show you something," Connor said.
"What is it?" the girl asked, biting her nail. The door opened and Bryn jumped behind a tree.
"Come with me," he said, and as if he knew someone was there, Connor gave an all knowing glance in Bryn's direction. He then took the girl by the hand and led her down into the flowers.
Bryn, after checking very casually if they had gone, went up to and leaned against the car. An alarm started off and Bryn's ears were bombarded with a high pitched sound. She clapped her hands over them and ran back into the woods. When she got to the road she was sure someone called her name, but she ignored it.
"I don't believe it," she said, wrapping her arms around herself. "He brought another girl to our place? What the hell! How does that make any sense?"
She walked downtown then through the residential area for a while. The sun was down and the orange glow of the streetlights had taken over the road. She decided to get rid of the thing that no longer meant anything to her.
Bryn stopped by her house for a moment to pick up the pot of daisies she'd bought, then made her way to the memorial park. She looked at the cenotaph, reading the names of all the poor young men who died for their wives and mothers and children. She ran her fingers over the engraved letters and put the pot down in front of it all.
"I hope you were happier with him than I was," Bryn said to the stone. "I don't know if he was like this when you were dating, but I hope for your sake he wasn't. Oh, and Will. God, I don't know how you put up with him your whole life. I could barely stand him a month."
Bryn sighed and started home. Turning around once, she stared at the park. She wished she could remember where the sand box used to be, but that was so long ago.
"Maybe everything does have a purpose."
Just Flowers Chapter 11
Later on in the week, Will called Bryn asking her to come over and help move some of Jen's stuff.
"So what're you doing with all this?"Bryn asked delicately.
Will thought for a second. "I guess the clothes are going to charity, and the stuffed animals too. The rest we're putting in storage and we'll figure out what to do later."
Bryn pursed her lips and squinted, confused. "Why are you taking her stuff out anyways?"
"Did you think there would be an everlasting shrine to her?"
"Will."
"What?"
"Why are you doing that?"
"Doing what?"
She rolled her eyes, the pain to cry pulsing through her neck. "Why do you insult her like you don't care."
"I don't care."
"Will!"
"Shit, Bryn, not everything is rainbows and sunshine. She's dead. Get over it."
Will picked up a box and left the room letting Bryn stand alone with his words. She shook her head, discouraging herself from crying.
Why let him affect you? He's an asshole.
She folded a sweater and put it into a small cardboard box. She looked around the room. The walls were empty. The bed was stripped of its dressing. All around the room were boxes of what was left of her best friend.
I'm packing her away.
"If you want to, you can leave," Will said, leaning against the wall.
"I figure this is as much my burden as it is yours."
"I never said she was a burden."
"Yeah, not until she died, right?"
"Fuck you."
"Get over yourself."
"Get out!"
"Fuck off!" Bryn yelled, pushing over the box she had just filled.
"Hey!" Will yelled back, running after her as she ran down the stairs. He grabbed her shoulder.
"What're you doing?"
"Don't touch me," she yelled, pulling away angrily. They faced each other.
"Why did you do that?"
"Why are you doing this?"
"Stop saying that!"
"No, I want to know what. Why are you saying all this shit about her and treating this all like nothing?"
"I'm not. I'm coping," he mocked.
Bryn slapped him and watched terrified as he raised his hand. It stopped in mid air and he curled it into a fist, bringing it down on the stair rail.
She cleared her throat and blinked out a stream of tears. "There." Bryn turned and walked out of the house and down the street. She was almost at the corner when Will called to her.
"Bryn!" He yelled to her, repeating her name as he ran after her. He stopped at her side.
"Don't even."
"Wait, listen. I wasn't going to do anything."
"Is that why you put your hand up?"
"It was instinct."
"It's instinct for you to hit girls?"
"It's instinct for me to fight back. And anyways, you hit me first."
She stopped and again looked into the eyes she thought she could have loved. "I wanted to make you realize you were being stupid."
"How-"
"You always think you're the victim. Your sister fucking dies and you still think the world is out to get you."
"Hey, you don't know me so don't even act like you do."
"You're right. But I know enough to say that both of us lost her. Not just you. Just because you're her blood doesn't mean you can go around saying shit like you are. You'd think something like this would teach you compassion."
Will only stared. His teeth were clenched and his face was red with either embarrassment or anger.
"Say something," Bryn demanded, stamping her foot. When she got no reply, she walked away.
Against all reason in her, Bryn took refuge in her home. She'd lost all other places that brought comfort and was left with the place she hated.
She sat down at the corner of her bed and rested as she digested the enormity of what just happened. "Our first fight," she said, then debating the thought, answered herself with, "or our break-up fight."
Her stomach growled and she winced. Having not eaten breakfast or lunch was taking its toll on her, and she was weak from anger and hunger.
The door creaked open just as she was getting up, and Angelica knocked. "Bryn?"
"Yeah, what?"
"I just want you to know that I'm sorry."
"For what?" she questioned more by habit than having time enough to revise her thought.
"Well," her mother replied, ignoring the suggestion of having done multiple things wrong. "First of all, for last week. I didn't mean that you could never come home. You always have a home here, regardless of what you or I or Ellie do."
Bryn held a hand on her stomach and looked at the other. She was preoccupied with hating and wanting Will to listen completely.
Her mother continued. "Also, for the whole incident with Mr. Currant. I know I already apologized, but I still feel there's tension. It was irresponsible for the both of us to think that doing something like that could speed along the healing process."
"Sure was," Bryn said, pressing her temples with her thumbs.
"What is with the hostility Bryn? Why are you so angry."
"Be-"
"It's not all because of me. I know it. You're still mad about Jen."
"Yes I'm still mad, but I don't want to talk to you about it."
"If you cut yourself off from the world, you're pretty just flipping everyone off without an explanation."
"Why do I have to explain anything to you?"
"Why don't you want to? Three years ago we were friends and now you put yourself in a barricade when I enter the room. It's a challenge to even have a simple conversation with you now."
"Then why bother?" Bryn asked, trying to focus on anything else.
"Because you're my daughter. Because I spent sixteen hours in labour to push you into this world."
"You could've at least warned me it would be this hard."
"What do you mean?" Angelica sat on Ellie's bed and leaned her elbows on her knees.
"Losing a friend. Losing her."
"Bryn," her mother breathed, shaking her head slowly.
"No. You're my mother. You're supposed to protect me, and you didn't. Not when Dad died, not now."
"Is that what it's all been about?"
"Why else would it be?" Bryn cried, covering her face as the tears poured.
"You're almost an adult now. I won't be able to protect you forever, as much as I wish I could. And your father's and Jen's deaths were hard for me. They still are."
Bryn sniffled and looked at the woman. For the first time in so long, she felt sympathy for her mother and realized now that she had acted no better than Will. Instead of blaming her problems on the deceased, Bryn passed the harshest judgement on Angelica, who, in her weakened state, was unable to fully fight back.
"It's just that every time something goes wrong, you're there. I mean you're the one telling me."
"Believe me, it absolutely kills me to be the bearer of bad news. It just kills me."
"I guess it would."
After a moment, her mother said, "Well I just wanted to clear the air."
"You don't have to go, I mean, if you don't want to," Bryn offered, sitting up.
"No, I do. I have some more people I have to talk to. Mainly Ellie. I yelled at her yesterday and she seemed pretty upset."
"Okay."
Her mother left the room and Bryn sat frozen on her bed thinking. She didn't want to sit around alone, and now that Will was as good as out of the picture, she focused her thoughts on another young man vying for her attention.
"So what're you doing with all this?"Bryn asked delicately.
Will thought for a second. "I guess the clothes are going to charity, and the stuffed animals too. The rest we're putting in storage and we'll figure out what to do later."
Bryn pursed her lips and squinted, confused. "Why are you taking her stuff out anyways?"
"Did you think there would be an everlasting shrine to her?"
"Will."
"What?"
"Why are you doing that?"
"Doing what?"
She rolled her eyes, the pain to cry pulsing through her neck. "Why do you insult her like you don't care."
"I don't care."
"Will!"
"Shit, Bryn, not everything is rainbows and sunshine. She's dead. Get over it."
Will picked up a box and left the room letting Bryn stand alone with his words. She shook her head, discouraging herself from crying.
Why let him affect you? He's an asshole.
She folded a sweater and put it into a small cardboard box. She looked around the room. The walls were empty. The bed was stripped of its dressing. All around the room were boxes of what was left of her best friend.
I'm packing her away.
"If you want to, you can leave," Will said, leaning against the wall.
"I figure this is as much my burden as it is yours."
"I never said she was a burden."
"Yeah, not until she died, right?"
"Fuck you."
"Get over yourself."
"Get out!"
"Fuck off!" Bryn yelled, pushing over the box she had just filled.
"Hey!" Will yelled back, running after her as she ran down the stairs. He grabbed her shoulder.
"What're you doing?"
"Don't touch me," she yelled, pulling away angrily. They faced each other.
"Why did you do that?"
"Why are you doing this?"
"Stop saying that!"
"No, I want to know what. Why are you saying all this shit about her and treating this all like nothing?"
"I'm not. I'm coping," he mocked.
Bryn slapped him and watched terrified as he raised his hand. It stopped in mid air and he curled it into a fist, bringing it down on the stair rail.
She cleared her throat and blinked out a stream of tears. "There." Bryn turned and walked out of the house and down the street. She was almost at the corner when Will called to her.
"Bryn!" He yelled to her, repeating her name as he ran after her. He stopped at her side.
"Don't even."
"Wait, listen. I wasn't going to do anything."
"Is that why you put your hand up?"
"It was instinct."
"It's instinct for you to hit girls?"
"It's instinct for me to fight back. And anyways, you hit me first."
She stopped and again looked into the eyes she thought she could have loved. "I wanted to make you realize you were being stupid."
"How-"
"You always think you're the victim. Your sister fucking dies and you still think the world is out to get you."
"Hey, you don't know me so don't even act like you do."
"You're right. But I know enough to say that both of us lost her. Not just you. Just because you're her blood doesn't mean you can go around saying shit like you are. You'd think something like this would teach you compassion."
Will only stared. His teeth were clenched and his face was red with either embarrassment or anger.
"Say something," Bryn demanded, stamping her foot. When she got no reply, she walked away.
Against all reason in her, Bryn took refuge in her home. She'd lost all other places that brought comfort and was left with the place she hated.
She sat down at the corner of her bed and rested as she digested the enormity of what just happened. "Our first fight," she said, then debating the thought, answered herself with, "or our break-up fight."
Her stomach growled and she winced. Having not eaten breakfast or lunch was taking its toll on her, and she was weak from anger and hunger.
The door creaked open just as she was getting up, and Angelica knocked. "Bryn?"
"Yeah, what?"
"I just want you to know that I'm sorry."
"For what?" she questioned more by habit than having time enough to revise her thought.
"Well," her mother replied, ignoring the suggestion of having done multiple things wrong. "First of all, for last week. I didn't mean that you could never come home. You always have a home here, regardless of what you or I or Ellie do."
Bryn held a hand on her stomach and looked at the other. She was preoccupied with hating and wanting Will to listen completely.
Her mother continued. "Also, for the whole incident with Mr. Currant. I know I already apologized, but I still feel there's tension. It was irresponsible for the both of us to think that doing something like that could speed along the healing process."
"Sure was," Bryn said, pressing her temples with her thumbs.
"What is with the hostility Bryn? Why are you so angry."
"Be-"
"It's not all because of me. I know it. You're still mad about Jen."
"Yes I'm still mad, but I don't want to talk to you about it."
"If you cut yourself off from the world, you're pretty just flipping everyone off without an explanation."
"Why do I have to explain anything to you?"
"Why don't you want to? Three years ago we were friends and now you put yourself in a barricade when I enter the room. It's a challenge to even have a simple conversation with you now."
"Then why bother?" Bryn asked, trying to focus on anything else.
"Because you're my daughter. Because I spent sixteen hours in labour to push you into this world."
"You could've at least warned me it would be this hard."
"What do you mean?" Angelica sat on Ellie's bed and leaned her elbows on her knees.
"Losing a friend. Losing her."
"Bryn," her mother breathed, shaking her head slowly.
"No. You're my mother. You're supposed to protect me, and you didn't. Not when Dad died, not now."
"Is that what it's all been about?"
"Why else would it be?" Bryn cried, covering her face as the tears poured.
"You're almost an adult now. I won't be able to protect you forever, as much as I wish I could. And your father's and Jen's deaths were hard for me. They still are."
Bryn sniffled and looked at the woman. For the first time in so long, she felt sympathy for her mother and realized now that she had acted no better than Will. Instead of blaming her problems on the deceased, Bryn passed the harshest judgement on Angelica, who, in her weakened state, was unable to fully fight back.
"It's just that every time something goes wrong, you're there. I mean you're the one telling me."
"Believe me, it absolutely kills me to be the bearer of bad news. It just kills me."
"I guess it would."
After a moment, her mother said, "Well I just wanted to clear the air."
"You don't have to go, I mean, if you don't want to," Bryn offered, sitting up.
"No, I do. I have some more people I have to talk to. Mainly Ellie. I yelled at her yesterday and she seemed pretty upset."
"Okay."
Her mother left the room and Bryn sat frozen on her bed thinking. She didn't want to sit around alone, and now that Will was as good as out of the picture, she focused her thoughts on another young man vying for her attention.
People Who Talk to Their Cats
I live in a house with five cats.
In Sherwood Park, I live with two cats.
I can't escape.
My grama talks to the cats here, calls them her little babies. She speaks as if they will speak back, and I'm trying to concentrate on my writing (my batteries have died and I'm going insane) and I can't take it. I may explode.
I hate these cats.
I don't mind the ones in SP.
But I hate these ones.
If you're not a cat person, you understand. I am not a cat person.
But for some reason, I adore kittens. Go figure.
In Sherwood Park, I live with two cats.
I can't escape.
My grama talks to the cats here, calls them her little babies. She speaks as if they will speak back, and I'm trying to concentrate on my writing (my batteries have died and I'm going insane) and I can't take it. I may explode.
I hate these cats.
I don't mind the ones in SP.
But I hate these ones.
If you're not a cat person, you understand. I am not a cat person.
But for some reason, I adore kittens. Go figure.
Friday, February 23, 2007
Just Flowers Chapter 10 - WOO!
~~As you can tell, I'm excited about this. There are only seven chapters left, and I'm done. WOO!~~
The next thing she knew, it was morning. The sun shone bright through the curtains and a strange tune called from on top of her desk. Bryn answered her cell phone.
"Hello?"
"Hi, Bryn?"
"Yeah?'
"Hey. It's Lucas."
"Lucas? What're you doing? I said I don't want to see you again."
Ellie made a noise and turned over in her bed.
"I know, but every time you say that, you go back on your word."
"Like when?"
"When you slammed the door in my face at your house then came out to my car. Besides, you don't kiss with that much passion and not mean it."
"I was mad. The kiss didn't mean anything. And why are you calling me this early? How did you get my number?"
"I asked Jodie for it. I only called you on your cell because I didn't want Ellie to answer."
"You know we share a room - oh right. Of course you do."
"I never said I was doing the right thing. She was the one who pressured me into it."
"Again and again and again?"
Lucas laughed. "No. It just became habit."
"Don't need to know that."
"Why haven't you hung up yet?"
"Do you want me to?"
"No, it's just that I thought I'd have to keep calling to have a simple conversation with you."
Bryn sighed. She knew exactly why she didn't hang up.
"You're scared."
"You don't know what you're talking about."
"No, it's okay. When I figured it out for the first time I was terrified too."
"Figured what out - and I'm not afraid of anything happening or not happening between us."
"Bryn, I know you know what I feel. I know you feel the same."
"I don't love you."
"Don't love who?" Ellie asked angrily from beside her sister.
"Nobody, Ellie." She turned back. "Ellie's awake," she said to Lucas.
"I'd better go then," Lucas said.
Ellie grabbed the phone. "Lucas is that you? Lucas? Lucas! I know what the fuck you're doing so you might as well give it up!" she screamed. Lucas had hung up already and the silence on the other side made Ellie scream. She threw the phone down, breaking it against the floor and a leg of the desk. Bryn cried out.
"What the hell was that for?"
"What d'you think? Maybe for stealing my goddamn boyfriend." Ellie slapped her sister straight across the mouth.
Bryn stood up and pushed Ellie backwards, then watched as she tripped over her own feet and fell to join the carpet.
"Don't fucking slap me."
They stood frozen, watching each other, mapping out their next moves.
"I wouldn't if you weren't screwing Lucas," Ellie said, wiping off her legs defeated. She got up.
"You're one to talk."
"I don't want to hear your voice anymore. As of now, I have no sister."
Bryn was taken aback. "Ellie," she pleaded.
After everything I've done for her!
"No. I don't want to hear it. God, are you deaf or something?"
"Ellie, you don't understand. He... called my number by mistake. I told him you were asleep. He, uh, told me to tell you he loved you and I was just joking around."
"Bull."
"No, really." Bryn got off her bed and took her sister by the hand. "I wouldn't ever do anything with Lucas. There's nothing in the whole world I want more than to protect you. Why else would I get so mad when I... walked in on you guys?"
Ellie looked away, sulking.
"Okay," Bryn said, letting her sister's hand fall. "If you really need some proof, I'll tell you a secret. Maybe you'll be able to trust me then."
Ellie's eyes lit up. "I'm listening."
"Okay, but you have to absolutely promise over everything sacred to you and if you so much as hint to anyone about what I'm about to tell you may you be hit by lightening on the spot."
Ellie rolled her eyes. "Deal."
"Deal. All right. Here it goes." She took a deep breath and took her sister's shoulders. She looked into her face, into her eyes and said, "Jen was pregnant."
"Holy hell you're joking."
"Never."
"Holy crap. Oh my god. I'm actually speechless." She fluttered her hand like a fan upon her chest as Bryn explained what little she knew.
Once she had gotten everything out, Bryn could see a gleam of forgiveness in her sister's eyes.
"So how did you find out that she was pregnant?" Ellie asked, brushing her teeth from the bathroom.
"It was in-" she stopped herself thinking greedily of the notebook. If she told Ellie about it, she would want to see it and read it and it would no longer be only hers. "In an email. A really old one. I forgot to open it."
"How can you forget to open something like that?"
"It's not like she wrote 'I'm pregnant' in the subject line. It was really... sort of coded. She didn't actually come out and say it."
"Well how do you know then?" Ellie asked, wiping her mouth, exiting the bathroom.
Bryn thought. "Now that I've had time to think about it, I don't see how I didn't see it before. She was always sick and home from school," she lied. "Even on the day she-"
Ellie looked to the floor and Bryn gulped. "Never mind."
After a moment, Ellie spoke. "Hey could you send the email to me so I can see it?"
Shit. Another hole. Better dig deeper I guess.
"Uh... yeah. Sure."
"Ellie, time for-" Their mother walked in and stopped abruptly when she first caught sight of Bryn.
"I thought you ran away," Angelica said, taking a defensive stance in the doorway.
"Did you look for me?"
She folded her lips together. "Honestly? No. I was still mad, and by the time I realized I should have, you could've been out of the province."
Bryn nodded her head. "Could you maybe get out? I need to change."
"Yeah." Angelica left with a trembling lip and Bryn could hear her crying from the other room.
Ellie came back from the hallway and asked, "What did you say? She's crying."
"I just asked her to leave so I could change," Bryn replied, pulling a David Copperfield magic trick to change her shirt. "She'll get over it."
Her sister sighed. "Speaking of having to change..."
"What?"
"Where were you all night?"
"Why, were you worried?" Bryn mocked.
"No. Mom was."
"Sure she was."
"Fine. Believe what you want. Now tell me where you were," she demanded, landing from a jump on the edge of her bed.
"I stayed at Will's."
"And?"
"Nothing."
"Come on, Bryn. You guys are spending too much time together for you to pull the wool over my eyes. Spill."
"Just because I stay the night with a guy, doesn't mean I stayed the night with him."
"Ah, so you admit you slept together."
"I never said that."
"But you implied it."
Bryn cocked her head. "I slept on the couch and he slept in his room. Happy?" She continued getting dressed. As she brushed her hair, she saw out of the corner of her eye that Ellie was sulking again.
"You said you trusted me," she whined.
"Fuck," Bryn sighed. "What's it gonna take for you to stop moping?"
Ellie smiled, biting her tongue. "Tell me about what happened."
"Nothing happened. I told you."
"Did you have sex? I can tell when you're lying."
"Ugh!"
"Come on, Bryn. We're sisters. Sisters are supposed to tell each other everything."
Bryn looked at Ellie, who looked back. She knew her sister wouldn't give up until she knew the story, extracted every detail she could.
There were problems with that, though, and Bryn knew it. Ellie had once been sworn to secrecy over a situation involving a broken vase and hiding a stray cat. In the end, Bryn was grounded for three months and had to eat dinner from the foot of her bed.
Ellie was sneaky.
Ellie was conniving.
Bryn didn't know if she had been fully forgiven, and knew anything she told her sister could, and on the right occasion, would be used against her.
But she would be out of the house soon, just a few weeks. It wouldn't matter if her mother knew. Right then, Bryn couldn't care if her mother knew any of the things she had been kept secret from her because of the "sisters pact."
She would tell her.
"All right. Define sex."
"Ooo! Bryn had sex! Did you... get off?"
"Shit Ellie, just make you mind up about things. Use your imagination."
She didn't want to talk to her little sister about what went on inside her.
"Well?"
"Well?" Bryn mocked, pressing her hands to her face to cool it.
"If you want me to trust you and know that you trust me, we shouldn't have any secrets anymore."
There was the bear trap. She could deny Ellie anything more and risk her causing trouble with Lucas or she could tell her that she couldn't go through with it. Or she could lie.
"If I tell you, you can't play the 'trust' card again. Ever. This is the big one. I'll tell you because I trust you." She looked around and made sure Ellie acknowledged their agreement. "I didn't have an...orgasm. But he did."
"Now you're in my world." Ellie smiled and hugged her sister, fake crying. "Now we're the best of friends forever."
Bryn rolled her eyes, pushing Ellie away. "Now get out. I have to finish getting ready."
The two sisters walked to school at a quarter past eight and separated as the bell for first period rang. Bryn sat down in math class next to Connor.
"Hey," she whispered.
"Oh, hey."
"I need to talk to you."
"Can it wait?"
"Why? You don't do your math during class anyways."
"Bryn, finals are coming and I need to get good marks so I don't have to do this year over again."
"Connor, it's serious. Like really desperately serious."
"Would you two like to leave?" the teacher asked, directing the attention of the entire class to them.
"No Mr. Simpson," they said in unison, trapping smiles behind their eyes.
"The class continued. Ten minutes later Bryn poked Connor in the arm.
"We need to talk," she mouthed.
"Leave me alone," he mouthed back, smiling.
She tore a piece of paper from her scribbler and wrote the three words that would get the desired effect from him.
'It's about Jen'
She passed it to him and watched his eyes widen as he read. He turned it over and wrote a reply on the back and returned it to her.
'Meet me after class'
And she did.
Bryn pulled him to an empty section of the hallway and began.
"I don't want to be intruding or anything, but for the sake of so many things, I have to ask. Did you hand Jen... have sex?"
"What? No! I mean, I know most guys would try to make themselves look better but, yeah, no. No we didn't."
"Damn."
"What? Would it be better if we had?"
"No, sorry. It's just... actually never mind."
Bryn started walking away, disheartened. She had come so close.
Connor caught her arm and squeezed, Bryn thought, unintentionally.
"Why? What, I mean there was something-"
"No. Well I guess I can tell you. But you can't say anything."
"Okay," he said, shaking his head eagerly.
"She was pregnant." His grip loosened entirely and his hand dropped.
"Shit. I shouldn't have said anything," Bryn said, regretting so many things.
"No, it's okay. It's good actually."
"You're not mad?"
"Why would I be mad - oh yeah. Well it doesn't change anything. I mean, if we were still together, yeah, I mean I'd be pissed, but..." he trailed off, staring blankly into the hall.
"Sorry Connor. I should've kept my mouth shut."
"No, no. It's good."
"You sure? Man, I really feel like an asshole," Bryn said, holding her hand to her forehead hoping it would turn back time.
"No, it was an honest mistake. You're beautiful. You're wonderful."
<|><|><|>
May 1
Jen checked the mailbox adjacent to the door outside the house and brought to the kitchen table a pile of varying sizes of envelopes and flyers. She began sorting, with one particular envelope in mind.
"Flyer. Junk. Bill. Junk. Flyer. Flyer. Aha!" She pulled a large brown envelope from the middle of the pile and sat down next to the mess she had made.
Staring at the thing in her hands, her eyes greedily looked over it. It was from the university in Quebec she applied to a few months before. The package was thick, so that meant there was good news inside.
"Good news. Happy thoughts," Jen cooed to herself, feeling a bit nauseous.
Her stomach rumbled and she suddenly got up and just made it to the sink before throwing up. She rinsed the sink, then her mother and wondered if she would've been less grossed out if he had puked on the floor.
"Probably, but anyways..." Jen replied to herself, combing through her hair with her gingers. Sitting back where she had left, Jen thumbed the envelope and dog-eared the corner.
She shook her head to clear her mind and tore open the letter.
"Dear Miss Currant... da, da, da... we are pleased to inform you..." Jen dropped the letter and jumped up, pushing her chair back in excitement.
"I got in!" she yelled. "I got in! I got in!"
She jumped around the kitchen and into the living room, then started dancing, flailing her arms around in disbelief. "I got in!"
Jen moved in front of a mirror in the front hallway. "I did it. I actually did it. I-" She touched her stomach. "Shit. Shit! How could I forget about this?"
She slammed her hand into her head and cried. "What am I supposed to do? How can I get out."
Sitting for a long time, not knowing what to do, Jen cried. "I can't have a baby," she argued. "But I don't want someone else raising something I made."
The phone rang.
"Probably Mom again," she sighed, ready to pick up and immediately hang up.She read the caller ID. It was an unknown number.
"Hello?"
"Hi, uh... Jen?"
"What d'you want Connor?"
"I just want to talk."
"Don't you even. I never want to talk to you again. Not after what you did to me."
"What did I do?"
"You know goddamn well what you did," Jen yelled, then hung up. She cried harder, breathed unsteadily and clutched her chest, hoping it would help the situation.
The room swirled.
Jen dropped, hitting the back of her head on a chair on the way to the floor.
Lights out.
<|><|><|>
The next thing she knew, it was morning. The sun shone bright through the curtains and a strange tune called from on top of her desk. Bryn answered her cell phone.
"Hello?"
"Hi, Bryn?"
"Yeah?'
"Hey. It's Lucas."
"Lucas? What're you doing? I said I don't want to see you again."
Ellie made a noise and turned over in her bed.
"I know, but every time you say that, you go back on your word."
"Like when?"
"When you slammed the door in my face at your house then came out to my car. Besides, you don't kiss with that much passion and not mean it."
"I was mad. The kiss didn't mean anything. And why are you calling me this early? How did you get my number?"
"I asked Jodie for it. I only called you on your cell because I didn't want Ellie to answer."
"You know we share a room - oh right. Of course you do."
"I never said I was doing the right thing. She was the one who pressured me into it."
"Again and again and again?"
Lucas laughed. "No. It just became habit."
"Don't need to know that."
"Why haven't you hung up yet?"
"Do you want me to?"
"No, it's just that I thought I'd have to keep calling to have a simple conversation with you."
Bryn sighed. She knew exactly why she didn't hang up.
"You're scared."
"You don't know what you're talking about."
"No, it's okay. When I figured it out for the first time I was terrified too."
"Figured what out - and I'm not afraid of anything happening or not happening between us."
"Bryn, I know you know what I feel. I know you feel the same."
"I don't love you."
"Don't love who?" Ellie asked angrily from beside her sister.
"Nobody, Ellie." She turned back. "Ellie's awake," she said to Lucas.
"I'd better go then," Lucas said.
Ellie grabbed the phone. "Lucas is that you? Lucas? Lucas! I know what the fuck you're doing so you might as well give it up!" she screamed. Lucas had hung up already and the silence on the other side made Ellie scream. She threw the phone down, breaking it against the floor and a leg of the desk. Bryn cried out.
"What the hell was that for?"
"What d'you think? Maybe for stealing my goddamn boyfriend." Ellie slapped her sister straight across the mouth.
Bryn stood up and pushed Ellie backwards, then watched as she tripped over her own feet and fell to join the carpet.
"Don't fucking slap me."
They stood frozen, watching each other, mapping out their next moves.
"I wouldn't if you weren't screwing Lucas," Ellie said, wiping off her legs defeated. She got up.
"You're one to talk."
"I don't want to hear your voice anymore. As of now, I have no sister."
Bryn was taken aback. "Ellie," she pleaded.
After everything I've done for her!
"No. I don't want to hear it. God, are you deaf or something?"
"Ellie, you don't understand. He... called my number by mistake. I told him you were asleep. He, uh, told me to tell you he loved you and I was just joking around."
"Bull."
"No, really." Bryn got off her bed and took her sister by the hand. "I wouldn't ever do anything with Lucas. There's nothing in the whole world I want more than to protect you. Why else would I get so mad when I... walked in on you guys?"
Ellie looked away, sulking.
"Okay," Bryn said, letting her sister's hand fall. "If you really need some proof, I'll tell you a secret. Maybe you'll be able to trust me then."
Ellie's eyes lit up. "I'm listening."
"Okay, but you have to absolutely promise over everything sacred to you and if you so much as hint to anyone about what I'm about to tell you may you be hit by lightening on the spot."
Ellie rolled her eyes. "Deal."
"Deal. All right. Here it goes." She took a deep breath and took her sister's shoulders. She looked into her face, into her eyes and said, "Jen was pregnant."
"Holy hell you're joking."
"Never."
"Holy crap. Oh my god. I'm actually speechless." She fluttered her hand like a fan upon her chest as Bryn explained what little she knew.
Once she had gotten everything out, Bryn could see a gleam of forgiveness in her sister's eyes.
"So how did you find out that she was pregnant?" Ellie asked, brushing her teeth from the bathroom.
"It was in-" she stopped herself thinking greedily of the notebook. If she told Ellie about it, she would want to see it and read it and it would no longer be only hers. "In an email. A really old one. I forgot to open it."
"How can you forget to open something like that?"
"It's not like she wrote 'I'm pregnant' in the subject line. It was really... sort of coded. She didn't actually come out and say it."
"Well how do you know then?" Ellie asked, wiping her mouth, exiting the bathroom.
Bryn thought. "Now that I've had time to think about it, I don't see how I didn't see it before. She was always sick and home from school," she lied. "Even on the day she-"
Ellie looked to the floor and Bryn gulped. "Never mind."
After a moment, Ellie spoke. "Hey could you send the email to me so I can see it?"
Shit. Another hole. Better dig deeper I guess.
"Uh... yeah. Sure."
"Ellie, time for-" Their mother walked in and stopped abruptly when she first caught sight of Bryn.
"I thought you ran away," Angelica said, taking a defensive stance in the doorway.
"Did you look for me?"
She folded her lips together. "Honestly? No. I was still mad, and by the time I realized I should have, you could've been out of the province."
Bryn nodded her head. "Could you maybe get out? I need to change."
"Yeah." Angelica left with a trembling lip and Bryn could hear her crying from the other room.
Ellie came back from the hallway and asked, "What did you say? She's crying."
"I just asked her to leave so I could change," Bryn replied, pulling a David Copperfield magic trick to change her shirt. "She'll get over it."
Her sister sighed. "Speaking of having to change..."
"What?"
"Where were you all night?"
"Why, were you worried?" Bryn mocked.
"No. Mom was."
"Sure she was."
"Fine. Believe what you want. Now tell me where you were," she demanded, landing from a jump on the edge of her bed.
"I stayed at Will's."
"And?"
"Nothing."
"Come on, Bryn. You guys are spending too much time together for you to pull the wool over my eyes. Spill."
"Just because I stay the night with a guy, doesn't mean I stayed the night with him."
"Ah, so you admit you slept together."
"I never said that."
"But you implied it."
Bryn cocked her head. "I slept on the couch and he slept in his room. Happy?" She continued getting dressed. As she brushed her hair, she saw out of the corner of her eye that Ellie was sulking again.
"You said you trusted me," she whined.
"Fuck," Bryn sighed. "What's it gonna take for you to stop moping?"
Ellie smiled, biting her tongue. "Tell me about what happened."
"Nothing happened. I told you."
"Did you have sex? I can tell when you're lying."
"Ugh!"
"Come on, Bryn. We're sisters. Sisters are supposed to tell each other everything."
Bryn looked at Ellie, who looked back. She knew her sister wouldn't give up until she knew the story, extracted every detail she could.
There were problems with that, though, and Bryn knew it. Ellie had once been sworn to secrecy over a situation involving a broken vase and hiding a stray cat. In the end, Bryn was grounded for three months and had to eat dinner from the foot of her bed.
Ellie was sneaky.
Ellie was conniving.
Bryn didn't know if she had been fully forgiven, and knew anything she told her sister could, and on the right occasion, would be used against her.
But she would be out of the house soon, just a few weeks. It wouldn't matter if her mother knew. Right then, Bryn couldn't care if her mother knew any of the things she had been kept secret from her because of the "sisters pact."
She would tell her.
"All right. Define sex."
"Ooo! Bryn had sex! Did you... get off?"
"Shit Ellie, just make you mind up about things. Use your imagination."
She didn't want to talk to her little sister about what went on inside her.
"Well?"
"Well?" Bryn mocked, pressing her hands to her face to cool it.
"If you want me to trust you and know that you trust me, we shouldn't have any secrets anymore."
There was the bear trap. She could deny Ellie anything more and risk her causing trouble with Lucas or she could tell her that she couldn't go through with it. Or she could lie.
"If I tell you, you can't play the 'trust' card again. Ever. This is the big one. I'll tell you because I trust you." She looked around and made sure Ellie acknowledged their agreement. "I didn't have an...orgasm. But he did."
"Now you're in my world." Ellie smiled and hugged her sister, fake crying. "Now we're the best of friends forever."
Bryn rolled her eyes, pushing Ellie away. "Now get out. I have to finish getting ready."
The two sisters walked to school at a quarter past eight and separated as the bell for first period rang. Bryn sat down in math class next to Connor.
"Hey," she whispered.
"Oh, hey."
"I need to talk to you."
"Can it wait?"
"Why? You don't do your math during class anyways."
"Bryn, finals are coming and I need to get good marks so I don't have to do this year over again."
"Connor, it's serious. Like really desperately serious."
"Would you two like to leave?" the teacher asked, directing the attention of the entire class to them.
"No Mr. Simpson," they said in unison, trapping smiles behind their eyes.
"The class continued. Ten minutes later Bryn poked Connor in the arm.
"We need to talk," she mouthed.
"Leave me alone," he mouthed back, smiling.
She tore a piece of paper from her scribbler and wrote the three words that would get the desired effect from him.
'It's about Jen'
She passed it to him and watched his eyes widen as he read. He turned it over and wrote a reply on the back and returned it to her.
'Meet me after class'
And she did.
Bryn pulled him to an empty section of the hallway and began.
"I don't want to be intruding or anything, but for the sake of so many things, I have to ask. Did you hand Jen... have sex?"
"What? No! I mean, I know most guys would try to make themselves look better but, yeah, no. No we didn't."
"Damn."
"What? Would it be better if we had?"
"No, sorry. It's just... actually never mind."
Bryn started walking away, disheartened. She had come so close.
Connor caught her arm and squeezed, Bryn thought, unintentionally.
"Why? What, I mean there was something-"
"No. Well I guess I can tell you. But you can't say anything."
"Okay," he said, shaking his head eagerly.
"She was pregnant." His grip loosened entirely and his hand dropped.
"Shit. I shouldn't have said anything," Bryn said, regretting so many things.
"No, it's okay. It's good actually."
"You're not mad?"
"Why would I be mad - oh yeah. Well it doesn't change anything. I mean, if we were still together, yeah, I mean I'd be pissed, but..." he trailed off, staring blankly into the hall.
"Sorry Connor. I should've kept my mouth shut."
"No, no. It's good."
"You sure? Man, I really feel like an asshole," Bryn said, holding her hand to her forehead hoping it would turn back time.
"No, it was an honest mistake. You're beautiful. You're wonderful."
<|><|><|>
May 1
Jen checked the mailbox adjacent to the door outside the house and brought to the kitchen table a pile of varying sizes of envelopes and flyers. She began sorting, with one particular envelope in mind.
"Flyer. Junk. Bill. Junk. Flyer. Flyer. Aha!" She pulled a large brown envelope from the middle of the pile and sat down next to the mess she had made.
Staring at the thing in her hands, her eyes greedily looked over it. It was from the university in Quebec she applied to a few months before. The package was thick, so that meant there was good news inside.
"Good news. Happy thoughts," Jen cooed to herself, feeling a bit nauseous.
Her stomach rumbled and she suddenly got up and just made it to the sink before throwing up. She rinsed the sink, then her mother and wondered if she would've been less grossed out if he had puked on the floor.
"Probably, but anyways..." Jen replied to herself, combing through her hair with her gingers. Sitting back where she had left, Jen thumbed the envelope and dog-eared the corner.
She shook her head to clear her mind and tore open the letter.
"Dear Miss Currant... da, da, da... we are pleased to inform you..." Jen dropped the letter and jumped up, pushing her chair back in excitement.
"I got in!" she yelled. "I got in! I got in!"
She jumped around the kitchen and into the living room, then started dancing, flailing her arms around in disbelief. "I got in!"
Jen moved in front of a mirror in the front hallway. "I did it. I actually did it. I-" She touched her stomach. "Shit. Shit! How could I forget about this?"
She slammed her hand into her head and cried. "What am I supposed to do? How can I get out."
Sitting for a long time, not knowing what to do, Jen cried. "I can't have a baby," she argued. "But I don't want someone else raising something I made."
The phone rang.
"Probably Mom again," she sighed, ready to pick up and immediately hang up.She read the caller ID. It was an unknown number.
"Hello?"
"Hi, uh... Jen?"
"What d'you want Connor?"
"I just want to talk."
"Don't you even. I never want to talk to you again. Not after what you did to me."
"What did I do?"
"You know goddamn well what you did," Jen yelled, then hung up. She cried harder, breathed unsteadily and clutched her chest, hoping it would help the situation.
The room swirled.
Jen dropped, hitting the back of her head on a chair on the way to the floor.
Lights out.
<|><|><|>
I Think Your Bruise was Understated
My batteries are going to die in about two hours and I will not be able to listen to music unless I play my CD player (which I can't do when I'm not in my room) or go buy batteries. I don't really want to but I'll do it tomorrow. I should've got some today, but I didn't think of it.
On Sunday I get to go to the city (maybe) with KC to pick her out a dress. I have to redye some of my hair since Caitlyn forgot a part and now that part looks brown when the rest of my hair is black and blue.
I am proud of how much I am writing. Tonight I plan on doing two chapters (that shouldn't take very long, just a couple of hours) and hopefully, if I'm a good girl I'll finish the entire novella this weekend. I'll take a break and when I go home, I'll print it all out and edit it and make it better - I am not so vain as to think it is perfect; it needs major work and I need to add more parts, more conflict and some parts where it shows that Jen and Bryn were actually friends - and re write it again!
Hooray for long, slow processes.
On Sunday I get to go to the city (maybe) with KC to pick her out a dress. I have to redye some of my hair since Caitlyn forgot a part and now that part looks brown when the rest of my hair is black and blue.
I am proud of how much I am writing. Tonight I plan on doing two chapters (that shouldn't take very long, just a couple of hours) and hopefully, if I'm a good girl I'll finish the entire novella this weekend. I'll take a break and when I go home, I'll print it all out and edit it and make it better - I am not so vain as to think it is perfect; it needs major work and I need to add more parts, more conflict and some parts where it shows that Jen and Bryn were actually friends - and re write it again!
Hooray for long, slow processes.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Just Flowers Chapter 9
<< Warning: some sexual content >>
She heard the door open and felt Will's hand on her back leading her in.
"Open."
Bryn looked at the room and smiled. The moonlight was shining through the open window and six or seven tea light candles flickered in the wind.
"What is all this?" Bryn asked, heart jumping in her chest.
"Well I said I was hoping you would, you know, but if you didn't-"
"Will."
"Anyways. Yeah. Candles."
"You're sweet."
They looked at each other for a moment, helpless and vulnerable, then Bryn took initiative, knowing someone had to start. She moved to Will, kissing and undressing him and he returned the favour. They walked to the bed, staring at it. Bryn took a deep breath, bit her lips and wrapped herself around him. They fell onto the sheets and there was a moment when he was just lying on her, and she was just lying under him.
They seemed to snap out of it, and he was in her.
Bryn shut her eyes tight and bit her lips together. God, I didn't know how much it hurt.
She couldn't help it, and despite her best efforts, she cried out.
Will looked at her, continuing with the perpetual motion. "What's wrong?" he asked, noticing her wincing.
"No, just, don't-"
"What, what is it?"
She opened her eyes and looked him in the face. Her cheeks burned as she answered, "It hurts." She hated saying it, admitting it. She didn't want another thing to go wrong. Covering her eyes, Bryn started to cry.
Will stopped and pulled away from her. He sat up on the bed and rested his face in his hands.
"Why didn't you say something before?" he snapped.
Bryn pulled a sheet over herself, ashamed. "I wanted to get it over with."
"Is that it? Is that what I am to you?"
"No," she pleaded. "I... I wanted to do it... with you. But I didn't realize how much it hurt?"
"Seriously?"
"Well other girls said it did a little, but I thought I had a higher tolerance for pain."
"Okay. So what do you want now? Do you need a ride home?"
"I'm not going home."
"Well you can't-"
"Can't what?"
He looked at her. "Stay here."
"Why not? Because I won't fuck you?"
Will shook his head and left for the bathroom.
Bryn sat on the bed, arms crossed, toes tapping, thinking. Definitely a mistake.
She heard the pipes creaking and struggling as they pushed water up to the shower.
"Not necessarily," she whispered, zoned out.
Okay, now you know what it feels like so you can become a nun and avoid any further embarrassmentt.
She wiped the tears from her eyes as she had stopped crying. "Maybe it was a mistake," she said after a moment.
"What?" Will asked, coming back in the room.
"Oh, sorry, nothing."
"You should get dressed," he said, pulling on boxers from under the towel he wore around his waist. He took the towel off and threw it against his hamper.
"I can't go home."
"I didn't say you had to. But you do need to get dressed."
She looked from him to the pile of clothes on the floor. She had been so determined, so focused on the idea that sleeping with Will would solve something.
"I'm sorry," she said, pulling her tank top over her head. She slid on her panties the same way Will had with his boxers while wearing the towel. She covered her shoulders with the sheet and sat on the edge of the bed.
"You don't have to be. You shouldn't be. It's your decision." He smiled weakly.
Bryn laid on bed while Will shut off the light. She held onto him and leaned her head into his body. "Thanks for understanding," she whispered.
"Night."
Exhausted, she managed a "Night Will," before falling to sleep.
The night disappeared and suddenly it was dawn. Bryn awoke with a jolt from a dream that she was falling. She looked around the room, wondering then remembering where she was. She winced as yesterday's events flooded back to her.
Bryn noticed the time. It was almost five. There was a good chance Mr. Currant would be coming home before she woke up again, and she couldn't handle any more embarrassment.
Getting dressed in the warm room, Bryn tried to keep quiet so as not to wake Will. She just couldn't face him after last night.
She sighed when she was clothed, wanting to stay, but fearing to do so for so many reasons. She stood over the bed and kissed Will's cheek. She rested her hand on his forehead, moving a tuft of hair in between her thumb and first finger until he shifted to face away from her.
His unintentional action broke her heart just a little.
"See ya," she whispered, leaving his room.
Bryn tiptoed to the top of the stairs, then remembered what she'd left in the bathroom. She quickly retrieved the pregnancy test box and sprinted as quietly as she could down the stairs thinking she heard someone coming. She grabbed her shoes and jumped out of the house.
The sky was dull. The grass was dewy. What wasn't cut out of her vision by fog had a blue tint to it. Soon Will's house faded to white and Bryn's heart rate slowed.
She walked barefoot home, not caring to put her shoes on, reasoning only that she would just have to take them off soon. Bryn stood outside the door wondering if she should just go back to Will's. She had said some pretty shitty things to Angelica and wondered if anything - between her mom or Connor or Lucas or Will - would be the same again.
"Here it goes," she whispered, turning the handle and pushing the door open.
She left it open for me.
Bryn closed it quietly and went to her room. Falling on her bed, she drummed her stomach and pulled something that had been poking her from her pocket. She glanced at it momentarily then threw it to the floor. She sat up and jumped for it greedily.
Bryn brought it back to the bed with her and rummaged between the wall and her bookcase for Jen's notebook. She skipped through it to the last page of writing.
"BLUE"
"Blue?" Bryn frowned. "What the hell can that mean?" she whispered.
She grabbed the box and read its instructions. Lowering it parallel to the book, she looked from one to the other and back.
"BLUE"
"If the absorbent tip turns blue, you are pregnant. If the tip does not change colour, you are not pregnant."
"Jesus Christ."
"Hmm?" A tired coo sounded from across the room. "Did you say something?"
Bryn pulled a pillow over her findings and said, "No, Ellie. Go back to sleep."
Her sister shuffled and soon enough began snoring once again.
Bryn laid on her pillow, guarding the book and the recently discovered secret. She planned to stay awake until school and call in sick, but time and the fact that her eyelids weighed a hundred pounds caught up with her, and she gave in.
She heard the door open and felt Will's hand on her back leading her in.
"Open."
Bryn looked at the room and smiled. The moonlight was shining through the open window and six or seven tea light candles flickered in the wind.
"What is all this?" Bryn asked, heart jumping in her chest.
"Well I said I was hoping you would, you know, but if you didn't-"
"Will."
"Anyways. Yeah. Candles."
"You're sweet."
They looked at each other for a moment, helpless and vulnerable, then Bryn took initiative, knowing someone had to start. She moved to Will, kissing and undressing him and he returned the favour. They walked to the bed, staring at it. Bryn took a deep breath, bit her lips and wrapped herself around him. They fell onto the sheets and there was a moment when he was just lying on her, and she was just lying under him.
They seemed to snap out of it, and he was in her.
Bryn shut her eyes tight and bit her lips together. God, I didn't know how much it hurt.
She couldn't help it, and despite her best efforts, she cried out.
Will looked at her, continuing with the perpetual motion. "What's wrong?" he asked, noticing her wincing.
"No, just, don't-"
"What, what is it?"
She opened her eyes and looked him in the face. Her cheeks burned as she answered, "It hurts." She hated saying it, admitting it. She didn't want another thing to go wrong. Covering her eyes, Bryn started to cry.
Will stopped and pulled away from her. He sat up on the bed and rested his face in his hands.
"Why didn't you say something before?" he snapped.
Bryn pulled a sheet over herself, ashamed. "I wanted to get it over with."
"Is that it? Is that what I am to you?"
"No," she pleaded. "I... I wanted to do it... with you. But I didn't realize how much it hurt?"
"Seriously?"
"Well other girls said it did a little, but I thought I had a higher tolerance for pain."
"Okay. So what do you want now? Do you need a ride home?"
"I'm not going home."
"Well you can't-"
"Can't what?"
He looked at her. "Stay here."
"Why not? Because I won't fuck you?"
Will shook his head and left for the bathroom.
Bryn sat on the bed, arms crossed, toes tapping, thinking. Definitely a mistake.
She heard the pipes creaking and struggling as they pushed water up to the shower.
"Not necessarily," she whispered, zoned out.
Okay, now you know what it feels like so you can become a nun and avoid any further embarrassmentt.
She wiped the tears from her eyes as she had stopped crying. "Maybe it was a mistake," she said after a moment.
"What?" Will asked, coming back in the room.
"Oh, sorry, nothing."
"You should get dressed," he said, pulling on boxers from under the towel he wore around his waist. He took the towel off and threw it against his hamper.
"I can't go home."
"I didn't say you had to. But you do need to get dressed."
She looked from him to the pile of clothes on the floor. She had been so determined, so focused on the idea that sleeping with Will would solve something.
"I'm sorry," she said, pulling her tank top over her head. She slid on her panties the same way Will had with his boxers while wearing the towel. She covered her shoulders with the sheet and sat on the edge of the bed.
"You don't have to be. You shouldn't be. It's your decision." He smiled weakly.
Bryn laid on bed while Will shut off the light. She held onto him and leaned her head into his body. "Thanks for understanding," she whispered.
"Night."
Exhausted, she managed a "Night Will," before falling to sleep.
The night disappeared and suddenly it was dawn. Bryn awoke with a jolt from a dream that she was falling. She looked around the room, wondering then remembering where she was. She winced as yesterday's events flooded back to her.
Bryn noticed the time. It was almost five. There was a good chance Mr. Currant would be coming home before she woke up again, and she couldn't handle any more embarrassment.
Getting dressed in the warm room, Bryn tried to keep quiet so as not to wake Will. She just couldn't face him after last night.
She sighed when she was clothed, wanting to stay, but fearing to do so for so many reasons. She stood over the bed and kissed Will's cheek. She rested her hand on his forehead, moving a tuft of hair in between her thumb and first finger until he shifted to face away from her.
His unintentional action broke her heart just a little.
"See ya," she whispered, leaving his room.
Bryn tiptoed to the top of the stairs, then remembered what she'd left in the bathroom. She quickly retrieved the pregnancy test box and sprinted as quietly as she could down the stairs thinking she heard someone coming. She grabbed her shoes and jumped out of the house.
The sky was dull. The grass was dewy. What wasn't cut out of her vision by fog had a blue tint to it. Soon Will's house faded to white and Bryn's heart rate slowed.
She walked barefoot home, not caring to put her shoes on, reasoning only that she would just have to take them off soon. Bryn stood outside the door wondering if she should just go back to Will's. She had said some pretty shitty things to Angelica and wondered if anything - between her mom or Connor or Lucas or Will - would be the same again.
"Here it goes," she whispered, turning the handle and pushing the door open.
She left it open for me.
Bryn closed it quietly and went to her room. Falling on her bed, she drummed her stomach and pulled something that had been poking her from her pocket. She glanced at it momentarily then threw it to the floor. She sat up and jumped for it greedily.
Bryn brought it back to the bed with her and rummaged between the wall and her bookcase for Jen's notebook. She skipped through it to the last page of writing.
"BLUE"
"Blue?" Bryn frowned. "What the hell can that mean?" she whispered.
She grabbed the box and read its instructions. Lowering it parallel to the book, she looked from one to the other and back.
"BLUE"
"If the absorbent tip turns blue, you are pregnant. If the tip does not change colour, you are not pregnant."
"Jesus Christ."
"Hmm?" A tired coo sounded from across the room. "Did you say something?"
Bryn pulled a pillow over her findings and said, "No, Ellie. Go back to sleep."
Her sister shuffled and soon enough began snoring once again.
Bryn laid on her pillow, guarding the book and the recently discovered secret. She planned to stay awake until school and call in sick, but time and the fact that her eyelids weighed a hundred pounds caught up with her, and she gave in.
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