It's almost grad. There are 16 days, in fact.
I have my dress, it was altered. I figured out what I'm doing with my hair and nails. I have had my shoes for a long time. I just need to buy a necklace, a bracelet or two and something to hold my hair together (I don't think a regular ponytail will be acceptable). Other than that all I have to do is wait until grad and not gain any weight. The woman altering my dress took it in a lot and now I have to work double time with the working out to fit into it nicely. And I think I will.
I am such a girl.
And I made fun of Amber so much for announcing how much weight she's lost. It's always "yesterday I lost half of a half of a pound" or "last week I lost a pound". I don't care. Call me when you've lost 30.
I am happy to say I have lost 30 pounds since last summer. I know it isn't that much to lose in 10 & 1/2 months, but just being able to keep it off is enough for me. YAY I ROCK! Today was the first day that someone other and my friend (or her family) noticed.
But now I am being an Amber, so I will stifle myself and go on with something else.
I know I said before that I really want to write, and I do, but I just can't. I know how I want the story to go, but for some reason I am unable to start it until I have it all planned out. Touer thinks that's a bad way to do it, that you should let your characters guide the story through their decisions. He says he has an ending in mind and that's all he needs. I need structure. An outline. If I have that, then I can write a certain number of pages per day because I know what to do with each scene.
I love writing and I hate it at the same time.
I'm only 18 and I want to be the best writer ever, though I know it won't ever happen. I read Zadie Smith's books and I'm in awe. I'm also slightly depressed that I will never be as good. I'm only about as good as the authors I make fun of, which I know is hypocritical, but I suck.
I'm so sad about that. I want to write.
I am writing now, actually to be perfectly frank, but this doesn't county.
On a lighter note, I got a tattoo on April 28th. It's a rose and it's on my neck.
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Writer's Block
I have been trying for days now to write the storyline out for my novella (LIE) and it has been unsuccessful. I have to come to grips with the fact that maybe, just maybe I have a small case of writer's block.
I have no desire to edit JF, but I want to write LIE because if I don't write it soon, I don't know if I'll be able to accurately portray the main character. Mostly because I'm 18 now and the character is 18, but I am sure I'll start to forget what it was like to be 16 and 17 and the brief moments in the story when the main character is 12.
I want to write.
I wrote on my fiction blog. I know that will do nothing to stop this writer's block, but at least I'm writing. That's the way to keep the juices flowing, right? RIGHT?
Anyways...
I still haven't bought a lottery ticket and it's almost been two weeks since I was 18. Good news though, I got my ID and had a chance to use it on the weekend. I bought a bottle of vodka and a bottle of Captain Morgan's. Don't worry, it wasn't all for me. It was in part to bootleg for my younger siblings (who have already been drunk, so I'm not the bad influence. Besides, if I didn't get anything, my father or step mother probably would have anyway, and this was a way to stifle my slight agoraphobia.
Ooo, by the way my cousin got married on Saturday, so congrats Alex and way to go Eddie, welcome to the family. If I remember, the next time I'm in Sherwood Park, I'll upload the pictures we took on the digital camera. They probably won't be of Alex and Eddie, but they'll be of me and my sisters and brother in nice clothes. That's good enough, I think.
I have no desire to edit JF, but I want to write LIE because if I don't write it soon, I don't know if I'll be able to accurately portray the main character. Mostly because I'm 18 now and the character is 18, but I am sure I'll start to forget what it was like to be 16 and 17 and the brief moments in the story when the main character is 12.
I want to write.
I wrote on my fiction blog. I know that will do nothing to stop this writer's block, but at least I'm writing. That's the way to keep the juices flowing, right? RIGHT?
Anyways...
I still haven't bought a lottery ticket and it's almost been two weeks since I was 18. Good news though, I got my ID and had a chance to use it on the weekend. I bought a bottle of vodka and a bottle of Captain Morgan's. Don't worry, it wasn't all for me. It was in part to bootleg for my younger siblings (who have already been drunk, so I'm not the bad influence. Besides, if I didn't get anything, my father or step mother probably would have anyway, and this was a way to stifle my slight agoraphobia.
Ooo, by the way my cousin got married on Saturday, so congrats Alex and way to go Eddie, welcome to the family. If I remember, the next time I'm in Sherwood Park, I'll upload the pictures we took on the digital camera. They probably won't be of Alex and Eddie, but they'll be of me and my sisters and brother in nice clothes. That's good enough, I think.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
My Birthday; The Weekend
I realize it's been a while. I would be lying if I said that I was busy because I am never busy. I have no life. I just haven't gotten around to doing it, and not that writing on the blog is a chore, but I never seem to be near the computer and I never seem to want to write.
But now I do. So whoopee for anyone passing by this blog.
Anyways, a week ago I turned 18. HOORAY. Yeah, big whoop.
My ID is still in the mail and only one of my friends is 18 (and she has a baby so she's not exactly available to drink whenever she wants). It was not a big thing. I didn't have a party (that's in a couple weeks, and there IS a reason) and I didn't get any presents. I'm becoming an adult (though technically I've been a woman for six years now - ladies, you know what I mean).
There was a sense of loss on my birthday. For the entirety of my life, I had been under this blanket of childhood and if I did something wrong, I rarely had to face the consequences. Of course, just because I turned 18 doesn't mean I'm suddenly mature. That's been coming for a long time now. It sucks, being mature. I still have a ways to go.
Now about the weekend.
On Thursday, my mom and Derek offered to buy me some alcohol. I asked Laura (ha ha, oh Laura) and she suggested Kahlua. I thought I shouldn't ask for any of the hard liquor I've had so as to avoid suspicion, and I had heard that Kahlua was good. Turns out I don't like it. Turns out I can handle the taste of Royal Reserve (that's right, I said it) better than Kahlua. But I'm not here to slander.
On Friday, my mom bought a bottle of vodka and I was satisfied. That night, after 9 shots (from a shot glass that my 14 year old sister bought me in Mexico) I was drunk. It felt so weird, being drunk in front of my mother. Every other time I had had alcohol and she was in the vicinity, I had played it cool (and was believable if that sounds believable). But then again, I thought it was weird when Derek offered Touer a beer when they were watching football. Hmmm. Maybe I'm a prude.
Sunday was Easter and Laura and I made a fantastic dinner. It was sort of stressful at the beginning when I spilled the water the potatoes were soaking in all over the floor. Laura spilled the second pot of potato water. Then as the potatoes were cooking, they boiled over (though many, many years of being in the kitchen through holidays had taught me to expect something like it - it happened every time - I had not anticipated it. Perhaps I had thought it wouldn't happen to me.) and the stove was covered with water. This was, of course, just as we had to take the ham out of the oven.
But all in all, the dinner was good.
The turkey was moist.
The ham was scrumptious.
The potatoes - oh lord those potatoes - were fantastic.
I'm running out of synonyms off the top of my head. You get the picture.
I also saw "The Prestige" which was another one of those really really really really cause-you-to-repeat-a-word-so-many-times-you-just-wanna-barf kind of good movies. Tristan and Isolde. Lucky number Sleven.
So many good movies.
But I really like the smart ones with good acting, ones that are aesthetically pleasing (set and actors) and have a good story line. That's one thing I hate to see happen to good actors/great sets/etc. It's embarrassing as a fan of the written word that people can pump out crap and it does well. I hate it. I hate it.
But I love the movies above. They are awesome and they also make me sad. This is mostly because when I watch a movie like Lucky Number Sleven (not so much the other two since I don't really know about magic or the middle ages) and the story is so fracking good I know that I would never have been able to think of something anywhere close to it, let alone write something that good.
I know I just bashed bad writers, but I think I'm mediocre, so long live the mediocre writers. If you didn't have them, how would you be able to tell which are the really good writers? **Ahem**Zadie Smith**Ahem**
But now I do. So whoopee for anyone passing by this blog.
Anyways, a week ago I turned 18. HOORAY. Yeah, big whoop.
My ID is still in the mail and only one of my friends is 18 (and she has a baby so she's not exactly available to drink whenever she wants). It was not a big thing. I didn't have a party (that's in a couple weeks, and there IS a reason) and I didn't get any presents. I'm becoming an adult (though technically I've been a woman for six years now - ladies, you know what I mean).
There was a sense of loss on my birthday. For the entirety of my life, I had been under this blanket of childhood and if I did something wrong, I rarely had to face the consequences. Of course, just because I turned 18 doesn't mean I'm suddenly mature. That's been coming for a long time now. It sucks, being mature. I still have a ways to go.
Now about the weekend.
On Thursday, my mom and Derek offered to buy me some alcohol. I asked Laura (ha ha, oh Laura) and she suggested Kahlua. I thought I shouldn't ask for any of the hard liquor I've had so as to avoid suspicion, and I had heard that Kahlua was good. Turns out I don't like it. Turns out I can handle the taste of Royal Reserve (that's right, I said it) better than Kahlua. But I'm not here to slander.
On Friday, my mom bought a bottle of vodka and I was satisfied. That night, after 9 shots (from a shot glass that my 14 year old sister bought me in Mexico) I was drunk. It felt so weird, being drunk in front of my mother. Every other time I had had alcohol and she was in the vicinity, I had played it cool (and was believable if that sounds believable). But then again, I thought it was weird when Derek offered Touer a beer when they were watching football. Hmmm. Maybe I'm a prude.
Sunday was Easter and Laura and I made a fantastic dinner. It was sort of stressful at the beginning when I spilled the water the potatoes were soaking in all over the floor. Laura spilled the second pot of potato water. Then as the potatoes were cooking, they boiled over (though many, many years of being in the kitchen through holidays had taught me to expect something like it - it happened every time - I had not anticipated it. Perhaps I had thought it wouldn't happen to me.) and the stove was covered with water. This was, of course, just as we had to take the ham out of the oven.
But all in all, the dinner was good.
The turkey was moist.
The ham was scrumptious.
The potatoes - oh lord those potatoes - were fantastic.
I'm running out of synonyms off the top of my head. You get the picture.
I also saw "The Prestige" which was another one of those really really really really cause-you-to-repeat-a-word-so-many-times-you-just-wanna-barf kind of good movies. Tristan and Isolde. Lucky number Sleven.
So many good movies.
But I really like the smart ones with good acting, ones that are aesthetically pleasing (set and actors) and have a good story line. That's one thing I hate to see happen to good actors/great sets/etc. It's embarrassing as a fan of the written word that people can pump out crap and it does well. I hate it. I hate it.
But I love the movies above. They are awesome and they also make me sad. This is mostly because when I watch a movie like Lucky Number Sleven (not so much the other two since I don't really know about magic or the middle ages) and the story is so fracking good I know that I would never have been able to think of something anywhere close to it, let alone write something that good.
I know I just bashed bad writers, but I think I'm mediocre, so long live the mediocre writers. If you didn't have them, how would you be able to tell which are the really good writers? **Ahem**Zadie Smith**Ahem**
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Home Sick
I'm not homesick, as you may think, but home from school sick with the "idontwannagottochurchwithmyschool" pox. I don't like going to church with my school. I hate not being able to sit beside my friends. I hate that people talk and don't respect anything there. I hate taking the bus there and back, so I am playing hooky.
This is the second full day of school I missed in this semester, which is better than in grade nine or ten where I missed ten days per semester. It could just be that I am in grade 12 now and need to be at school for my classes in order to pass them. Maybe.... Probably.
So I am racking my brain trying to think of how to put together my story (right now the working title is either Life is Easy or Beachcombers - the first would be because the main character's sister is a "beautiful person" who has things easy, and the second title would be because the main character's cousin wants her cousins to help her scour the beach to look for seashells that she makes jewelery -- and her living -- from. Since I recently found out that The Beachcombers was a show {Gimme a break, I'm only 17! How could I possibly have known that?} I think I like Life is Easy.) and I'm having a real fun time. Yeah right. By the way, I know the stuff in brackets could have been its own sentence and probably shouldn't have gone on that long in brackets, but whatever. Get over it.
Anyways, I have a lot of ideas. It started off as just a teenage girl's whining about how the boy she likes doesn't like her back, but I think I've turned it into more. It has turned into an obsession story really, how Rachel is obsessed with Owen, and Leah is obsessed with fulfilling every minute want, and that kind of stuff. Rachel likes Owen. Leah likes boys. Carlee is innocent. Sabrina wants Elliot to propose but his family has a problem with her. Jerome and Rachel can't look at each other now that they've had sex. It's really a fun story in a kind of depressing way, especially the way it ends. Ooo, I don't know why, but in every story I write, someone has to die.
In the very first story I wrote (which I can't remember the name of), Donna's family was murdered.
In Waking Evil, Stephanie dies three times (sacrifice, sacrifice again, and finally exhaustion from being evil).
In Beautiful Blue, nobody died, but Kim's spirit and her trust for Catalan died.
In Distorted, the main character killed her family and boyfriend, then Salem killed the doctor that raped her.
In The Clone, Leigh died of a heart attack in her car.
In Just Flowers, Jen committed suicide.
But I guess the death wasn't always the inciting incident, so my stories are all different! Yay! In Life is Easy, Carlee is going to die. Sorry kids, but that is just how it is. I think I'm just at that point where the only way I know how to end a story is with someone dieing. That's not a bad thing, I guess, since death is the ultimate end. No coming back (except in Stephanie Raye's case, she was special though, brought back to life by her sort-of-boyfriend and father) from death.
So speaking of homesick (ha ha ha, I know I did it again!) I remember last week I was really homesick. Before I went to John's house where I saw my brother, I was feeling really sad and wanted to see someone I was related to, preferably in the form of one of my siblings. It is weird being one of five children because I tend to feel really sad sometimes, mostly after just spending a weekend or a holiday with them (Christmas was a bitch, I was surrounded by 8-10 people every waking hour for 4 days, then in Sherwood Park, I was around my sisters all day for the last week and a half. When I came back to Veg where there was only my grandma and uncle, neither of which I really talk to or hang out with, I was so almost culture shocked. Maybe it was social shock.). But yeah, anyways, after Kass dropped KC and I off and started on back to his home, I really wanted to hang out with him or Laura or Caitlyn. I hate feeling homesick, mostly because it's the closest thing to depression I've felt in a while. There was always that feeling in my gut that told me, "You're all alone, you're all alone."
Good news though. After I get home from Europe (YAYAYAYAY I am acutally going!) Caitlyn and I are sharing a room again, as long as Touer's staying with us. He's taking her room and she has to stay with me. We shared a room before and it was fun, so this'll be fun too. Hopefully. And what's even better is that when I live there for college, I will get to see my sisters every day! Yay!
So now more about Europe. I actually get to go. It seems like it's mostly going to be in Italy, which is cool, but I was kind of hoping for it to be in Ireland or England. But oh well. Maybe next time.
Laura, Caitlyn and I decided that when we all have enough money, we're going on a trip to Ireland. That's not for a long time, though seeing as I don't make nearly enough money to go anywhere out of province for longer than a week.
That was designated our "Sister's trip." One of the many things we plan on doing as sisters. Tattoos, trips, and whatever else.
Heh heh heh....
I'm going to Europe.
This is the second full day of school I missed in this semester, which is better than in grade nine or ten where I missed ten days per semester. It could just be that I am in grade 12 now and need to be at school for my classes in order to pass them. Maybe.... Probably.
So I am racking my brain trying to think of how to put together my story (right now the working title is either Life is Easy or Beachcombers - the first would be because the main character's sister is a "beautiful person" who has things easy, and the second title would be because the main character's cousin wants her cousins to help her scour the beach to look for seashells that she makes jewelery -- and her living -- from. Since I recently found out that The Beachcombers was a show {Gimme a break, I'm only 17! How could I possibly have known that?} I think I like Life is Easy.) and I'm having a real fun time. Yeah right. By the way, I know the stuff in brackets could have been its own sentence and probably shouldn't have gone on that long in brackets, but whatever. Get over it.
Anyways, I have a lot of ideas. It started off as just a teenage girl's whining about how the boy she likes doesn't like her back, but I think I've turned it into more. It has turned into an obsession story really, how Rachel is obsessed with Owen, and Leah is obsessed with fulfilling every minute want, and that kind of stuff. Rachel likes Owen. Leah likes boys. Carlee is innocent. Sabrina wants Elliot to propose but his family has a problem with her. Jerome and Rachel can't look at each other now that they've had sex. It's really a fun story in a kind of depressing way, especially the way it ends. Ooo, I don't know why, but in every story I write, someone has to die.
In the very first story I wrote (which I can't remember the name of), Donna's family was murdered.
In Waking Evil, Stephanie dies three times (sacrifice, sacrifice again, and finally exhaustion from being evil).
In Beautiful Blue, nobody died, but Kim's spirit and her trust for Catalan died.
In Distorted, the main character killed her family and boyfriend, then Salem killed the doctor that raped her.
In The Clone, Leigh died of a heart attack in her car.
In Just Flowers, Jen committed suicide.
But I guess the death wasn't always the inciting incident, so my stories are all different! Yay! In Life is Easy, Carlee is going to die. Sorry kids, but that is just how it is. I think I'm just at that point where the only way I know how to end a story is with someone dieing. That's not a bad thing, I guess, since death is the ultimate end. No coming back (except in Stephanie Raye's case, she was special though, brought back to life by her sort-of-boyfriend and father) from death.
So speaking of homesick (ha ha ha, I know I did it again!) I remember last week I was really homesick. Before I went to John's house where I saw my brother, I was feeling really sad and wanted to see someone I was related to, preferably in the form of one of my siblings. It is weird being one of five children because I tend to feel really sad sometimes, mostly after just spending a weekend or a holiday with them (Christmas was a bitch, I was surrounded by 8-10 people every waking hour for 4 days, then in Sherwood Park, I was around my sisters all day for the last week and a half. When I came back to Veg where there was only my grandma and uncle, neither of which I really talk to or hang out with, I was so almost culture shocked. Maybe it was social shock.). But yeah, anyways, after Kass dropped KC and I off and started on back to his home, I really wanted to hang out with him or Laura or Caitlyn. I hate feeling homesick, mostly because it's the closest thing to depression I've felt in a while. There was always that feeling in my gut that told me, "You're all alone, you're all alone."
Good news though. After I get home from Europe (YAYAYAYAY I am acutally going!) Caitlyn and I are sharing a room again, as long as Touer's staying with us. He's taking her room and she has to stay with me. We shared a room before and it was fun, so this'll be fun too. Hopefully. And what's even better is that when I live there for college, I will get to see my sisters every day! Yay!
So now more about Europe. I actually get to go. It seems like it's mostly going to be in Italy, which is cool, but I was kind of hoping for it to be in Ireland or England. But oh well. Maybe next time.
Laura, Caitlyn and I decided that when we all have enough money, we're going on a trip to Ireland. That's not for a long time, though seeing as I don't make nearly enough money to go anywhere out of province for longer than a week.
That was designated our "Sister's trip." One of the many things we plan on doing as sisters. Tattoos, trips, and whatever else.
Heh heh heh....
I'm going to Europe.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Your Heart is an Empty Room
I don't know why I put the title as a Death Cab song when I'm listening to Muse, but whatever. So the weekend was fun. Kass turned 17 and I got drunk. I met Kass' friend Colin (which makes me have a whole new view towards people named Colin - Janelle's Colin is kind of a whiner) who Caitlyn has a crush on.
I got to plan where I wanted to go in Europe this summer. It is looking like Italy. I kind of wanted to go to Ireland, and I told Tammy this, but she had her heart set on Italy. Since I'm not paying for any of it, I guess it's fair that she gets to choose. I have to tell her what I want to do in Italy. I have some work to do.
So spring break is in four days. My grandma is going to Saskatchewan for two and a half weeks, and I'm pretty much alone (I don't really count Michael, he doesn't really come down from the attic anyways). Laura and Caitlyn have both said they wanted to come down from Sherwood Park and stay here (Laura to see her friends and Caitlyn just to hang out here I guess) for a couple days. I'm planning to have a party, but I have to play it on the sly. Grama said she didn't want any drinking (sorry, but that's gonna happen whether or not she wants it to), drugs (as if any of us would anyways) or sex (I wouldn't want to be around anyone who's having sex... AHEM SUSAN AND CHRIS) in the lame way that adults do. I just have to find a way to trick Michael into not coming downstairs while we're all drinking.
Good news : I am getting over my cold. I figure it'll be a couple more days and I'll be healthy again. My throat is fixed. It's just the runny nose and coughing that are still bothering me. Being around all that smoke at John's house didn't help either, but I'll get over it. Oh my, and my no tobacco pledge! Kidding, I didn't smoke anything, so secondhand smoke doesn't count, does it? Nah.
More good news: I am very quickly coming up with storylines for my second novel. I know, I know, I haven't finished the first one completely, but there are many deciding factors. I have to be in Sherwood Park (and I know I won't be there for at least a week and a half), I have to print 109 pages (paper and ink become a problem here) and that's pretty much all. After I have it printed out, I think I can manage to revise and edit it, add all the new scenes I've been talking about and so on. I will make a timeline for myself to follow (for planning and then writing). Actually the writing is pretty easy. Once it's all separated into scenes, I just write one scene a day until it's finished. At least that's how I did JF and that was done in under two months. Of course, I did take a six month break between writing it and rewriting it. Oh well. That's just how I fly.
I will have to catch up on my homework during spring break. That blows. But whatever.
I got to plan where I wanted to go in Europe this summer. It is looking like Italy. I kind of wanted to go to Ireland, and I told Tammy this, but she had her heart set on Italy. Since I'm not paying for any of it, I guess it's fair that she gets to choose. I have to tell her what I want to do in Italy. I have some work to do.
So spring break is in four days. My grandma is going to Saskatchewan for two and a half weeks, and I'm pretty much alone (I don't really count Michael, he doesn't really come down from the attic anyways). Laura and Caitlyn have both said they wanted to come down from Sherwood Park and stay here (Laura to see her friends and Caitlyn just to hang out here I guess) for a couple days. I'm planning to have a party, but I have to play it on the sly. Grama said she didn't want any drinking (sorry, but that's gonna happen whether or not she wants it to), drugs (as if any of us would anyways) or sex (I wouldn't want to be around anyone who's having sex... AHEM SUSAN AND CHRIS) in the lame way that adults do. I just have to find a way to trick Michael into not coming downstairs while we're all drinking.
Good news : I am getting over my cold. I figure it'll be a couple more days and I'll be healthy again. My throat is fixed. It's just the runny nose and coughing that are still bothering me. Being around all that smoke at John's house didn't help either, but I'll get over it. Oh my, and my no tobacco pledge! Kidding, I didn't smoke anything, so secondhand smoke doesn't count, does it? Nah.
More good news: I am very quickly coming up with storylines for my second novel. I know, I know, I haven't finished the first one completely, but there are many deciding factors. I have to be in Sherwood Park (and I know I won't be there for at least a week and a half), I have to print 109 pages (paper and ink become a problem here) and that's pretty much all. After I have it printed out, I think I can manage to revise and edit it, add all the new scenes I've been talking about and so on. I will make a timeline for myself to follow (for planning and then writing). Actually the writing is pretty easy. Once it's all separated into scenes, I just write one scene a day until it's finished. At least that's how I did JF and that was done in under two months. Of course, I did take a six month break between writing it and rewriting it. Oh well. That's just how I fly.
I will have to catch up on my homework during spring break. That blows. But whatever.
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